http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Yei2uvA-vY&feature=related
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair, persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed."
- 2 Corinthians 4:7-9
- 2 Corinthians 4:7-9
Do you ever have those days when you just completely break down and can't bear anything any more? Well, tonight was that night for me. This past few weeks I have been so frustrated about the things that were going on around me. Over the summer, I was able to experience a dynamic revelation of God's heart for the nations. I was able to go East Asia and to Haskell Indian Nations University to gain hands-on experience on what it means to live missionally. Through those experiences, God has really given me a vision and heart to plant student churches on our campus and to see the restoration of the church.
Over the summer, God put three major things on my heart concerning what it would take to plant churches on campus. The first was that I had to always be mindful of "the heart" behind planting churches - that is to remember that there is no higher aspiration than to be a child of God. The second thing God put on my heart was my overall dream - my dreams is to see that the church would be restored to be not a controller of man but a releaser of destiny. The third thing was "the call" that God put on my heart - the call is to be a father to a "fatherless generation." Our generation doesn't merely need great visionaries and strategists; it desperately needs fathers."
I could spend separate posts talking about those three things, and maybe I will in the near future explaining why each is important. The point is that God put some really big things on my heart this summer. I got to experience love in a whole new way and see God's compassion for me as a person before even beginning to see his mighty love for the nations.
However, coming back to Arizona, everything that I learned and experienced has been totally under attack. It has been so crazy the little things that I have experienced in the the 3 weeks since I have been back. I have never experienced so much attack internally through issues like lust, or even externally, through relationships. These past few weeks have been some of the hardest times I have ever been through. I have not experienced sexual temptation like I have in the past three weeks for the past few years. I have not experienced struggles in relationships in the same capacity. To top it all off, I have been struggling so much being in traditional ministry set-ups. What I mean by this is that I have been so frustrated and even somewhat angry being in specific ministries that - although they were doing things that were good - didn't match up with what God has put on my heart.
In essence, it has been like everything that God has put on my heart to plant simple churches and see the church restored has been put to the test. And tonight, I finally broke down. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't handle the frustrations and the pressures, and I just broke down.
To give context to the situation, I had just gotten out of a ministry meeting, and I was already frustrated by being there and feeling the weight of obligations that I felt were piling up. In the midst of all that happening, I was having a video-chat time with my girlfriend, Sara. We hadn't really talked in a while, but in the times we had talked, we had some issues to work through. So I was frustrated even before talking to her and frustrated at her for some unresolved issues. I wasn't necessarily angry, but I just had some things I needed to get off my chest. However, the more we talked, the more frustrated I got. I was getting so upset that we were just not communicating with each other in the way that I had wanted. We were completely missing her. Finally, I got to the point where I just had enough. In a moment of anger, I just yelled out "I don't care right now!" I was fed up with everything, fed up with trying to reconcile, and I just totally lashed out.
It was the worst possible thing to say, and it was totally insensitive. I felt like a hypocrite because I always tell Sara how hurtful it is when she says similar things to me out of frustration. Sara began to cry, and I felt like a total jerk. I didn't even know what to do anymore. I just had failed at everything. In the midst of all that happening, I realized just how much anger and frustration was pent up in me. In that moment, I began to apologize to Sara, and I just totally broke down. What happened next was so crazy. A moment of frustration and anger, God turned into a moment of vulnerability and healing. I began to confess to Sara all the frustrations and burdens I was feeling. I felt so alone and so frustrated by how things had played out in the past few weeks. In the midst of that, I had fallen into lustful temptations and felt so isolated from everyone. Circumstances during the weekend piled up to the point in which all my plans with others fell through, and I felt so alone. In that moment, I got attacked hard, and it felt so painful.
While I was telling Sara all this, I just began weeping and letting out all my pain. Then, in that moment, Sara spoke something to me that had to be directly downloaded to her from God. She began to speak into my life and tell me that I shouldn't have fear about opening up to people out of fear of rejection. She went on to say that I shouldn't avoid community for fear that they wouldn't accept me. And in that moment, I began to break down even more. I realized that in the midst of all the things that were going on, I was pulling myself away from people and from community because I felt like they didn't understand and all these little things were happening that were tearing me down.
In that moment that Sara spoke out that prophetic word, it was like the entire scheme of the enemy against me was revealed. And in that moment, that scheme began to loosen its grip. I realized just how much I had been under attack and how I have been so frustrated. I confessed to Sara about how I just needed to be filled up and spoken truth to in the way she was currently doing. I have often felt like I have always been the one giving out and initiating with others, but I have felt like I haven't been being poured out to in return.
Tonight, I was sweetly broken, and I was poured into and received so much healing. It was amazing to experience the love and grace of God in that moment. I felt so broken and so sinful. I experienced the enormity of my sin, and it devastated me. My sin caused me to hurt the ones closest to me. Yet in the midst of recognizing the grossness of my sin, I was revealed the awesomeness of God's love. I couldn't even begin to comprehend how God had chosen a little despicable creature like me to reveal his heart and his will for the nations. I couldn't understand how God had chosen me to do great things for His kingdom. I felt like Moses or Jeremiah. I wanted to wilt under the pressure of what that entailed. I felt the weight of the world upon me and the enormity of the mission.
But then, I remembered that God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies those he calls. And it was so powerful. Even now, I am so broken and overwhelmed by what that means. The God of the universe chose a sinful person like me to release the kingdom of heaven on earth! What a privilege! What an honor! He loves me so much that he trusted me with a vital piece of his kingdom.
As I reflected on the verse in 2 Corinthians 4:7-9, I didn't understand what it meant that we had treasure stored in "jars of clay." But as I read through the commentary on it, I learned that "jars of clay" were "most often used for holding garbage and human waste." This was how Paul viewed himself as a "jar of clay" that was "lowly, expendable, and replaceable."
But the powerful part about this is that verse finishes by saying we have treasure in jars of clay "to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us." In other words, God uses despicable, receptacles of garbage like us to demonstrate that He is the one that has power not us. This next line in the commentary really stuck out to me. It said, "The great power of God overcomes and transcends the clay pot. The messenger's weakness is not fatal to what he does; it is essential"
Wow...our weakness is essential. Where else in the world will we hear that? God in his wisdom and sovereignty uses in our weakness. Paul that God's grace is sufficient and that his strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).
I don't know about you, but that's pretty powerful. That takes all the pressure off me. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God." But people often forget whats next in that verse. The verse goes on to say that "He Will be exalted among the nations. He WILL be exalted in the earth." Its not a maybe it will happen. It WILL happen. No pressure on us. We just have to be still and know that He is God. He is big. He is huge. And he is madly in love with us.
As I close, I am reminded of a quote Neil Cole stated while I was in Haskell this summer. He said, "God uses ordinary people. The further you strive to be above ordinary; the further away you get from being used."
There is no pressure for me to be the best church planter or revolutionary leader. I am just an ordinary, weak, sinful person. I experienced that firsthand today. I wept; I cried like a little baby; I recognized my deceitful and sinful heart; but more than anything I realized the great and amazing love of God. That while I was still a crappy, messed up person, Christ loved me and died for me.
I was sweetly broken today, and I liked it. Thank you Jesus for reminding me of your love!
Over the summer, God put three major things on my heart concerning what it would take to plant churches on campus. The first was that I had to always be mindful of "the heart" behind planting churches - that is to remember that there is no higher aspiration than to be a child of God. The second thing God put on my heart was my overall dream - my dreams is to see that the church would be restored to be not a controller of man but a releaser of destiny. The third thing was "the call" that God put on my heart - the call is to be a father to a "fatherless generation." Our generation doesn't merely need great visionaries and strategists; it desperately needs fathers."
I could spend separate posts talking about those three things, and maybe I will in the near future explaining why each is important. The point is that God put some really big things on my heart this summer. I got to experience love in a whole new way and see God's compassion for me as a person before even beginning to see his mighty love for the nations.
However, coming back to Arizona, everything that I learned and experienced has been totally under attack. It has been so crazy the little things that I have experienced in the the 3 weeks since I have been back. I have never experienced so much attack internally through issues like lust, or even externally, through relationships. These past few weeks have been some of the hardest times I have ever been through. I have not experienced sexual temptation like I have in the past three weeks for the past few years. I have not experienced struggles in relationships in the same capacity. To top it all off, I have been struggling so much being in traditional ministry set-ups. What I mean by this is that I have been so frustrated and even somewhat angry being in specific ministries that - although they were doing things that were good - didn't match up with what God has put on my heart.
In essence, it has been like everything that God has put on my heart to plant simple churches and see the church restored has been put to the test. And tonight, I finally broke down. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't handle the frustrations and the pressures, and I just broke down.
To give context to the situation, I had just gotten out of a ministry meeting, and I was already frustrated by being there and feeling the weight of obligations that I felt were piling up. In the midst of all that happening, I was having a video-chat time with my girlfriend, Sara. We hadn't really talked in a while, but in the times we had talked, we had some issues to work through. So I was frustrated even before talking to her and frustrated at her for some unresolved issues. I wasn't necessarily angry, but I just had some things I needed to get off my chest. However, the more we talked, the more frustrated I got. I was getting so upset that we were just not communicating with each other in the way that I had wanted. We were completely missing her. Finally, I got to the point where I just had enough. In a moment of anger, I just yelled out "I don't care right now!" I was fed up with everything, fed up with trying to reconcile, and I just totally lashed out.
It was the worst possible thing to say, and it was totally insensitive. I felt like a hypocrite because I always tell Sara how hurtful it is when she says similar things to me out of frustration. Sara began to cry, and I felt like a total jerk. I didn't even know what to do anymore. I just had failed at everything. In the midst of all that happening, I realized just how much anger and frustration was pent up in me. In that moment, I began to apologize to Sara, and I just totally broke down. What happened next was so crazy. A moment of frustration and anger, God turned into a moment of vulnerability and healing. I began to confess to Sara all the frustrations and burdens I was feeling. I felt so alone and so frustrated by how things had played out in the past few weeks. In the midst of that, I had fallen into lustful temptations and felt so isolated from everyone. Circumstances during the weekend piled up to the point in which all my plans with others fell through, and I felt so alone. In that moment, I got attacked hard, and it felt so painful.
While I was telling Sara all this, I just began weeping and letting out all my pain. Then, in that moment, Sara spoke something to me that had to be directly downloaded to her from God. She began to speak into my life and tell me that I shouldn't have fear about opening up to people out of fear of rejection. She went on to say that I shouldn't avoid community for fear that they wouldn't accept me. And in that moment, I began to break down even more. I realized that in the midst of all the things that were going on, I was pulling myself away from people and from community because I felt like they didn't understand and all these little things were happening that were tearing me down.
In that moment that Sara spoke out that prophetic word, it was like the entire scheme of the enemy against me was revealed. And in that moment, that scheme began to loosen its grip. I realized just how much I had been under attack and how I have been so frustrated. I confessed to Sara about how I just needed to be filled up and spoken truth to in the way she was currently doing. I have often felt like I have always been the one giving out and initiating with others, but I have felt like I haven't been being poured out to in return.
Tonight, I was sweetly broken, and I was poured into and received so much healing. It was amazing to experience the love and grace of God in that moment. I felt so broken and so sinful. I experienced the enormity of my sin, and it devastated me. My sin caused me to hurt the ones closest to me. Yet in the midst of recognizing the grossness of my sin, I was revealed the awesomeness of God's love. I couldn't even begin to comprehend how God had chosen a little despicable creature like me to reveal his heart and his will for the nations. I couldn't understand how God had chosen me to do great things for His kingdom. I felt like Moses or Jeremiah. I wanted to wilt under the pressure of what that entailed. I felt the weight of the world upon me and the enormity of the mission.
But then, I remembered that God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies those he calls. And it was so powerful. Even now, I am so broken and overwhelmed by what that means. The God of the universe chose a sinful person like me to release the kingdom of heaven on earth! What a privilege! What an honor! He loves me so much that he trusted me with a vital piece of his kingdom.
As I reflected on the verse in 2 Corinthians 4:7-9, I didn't understand what it meant that we had treasure stored in "jars of clay." But as I read through the commentary on it, I learned that "jars of clay" were "most often used for holding garbage and human waste." This was how Paul viewed himself as a "jar of clay" that was "lowly, expendable, and replaceable."
But the powerful part about this is that verse finishes by saying we have treasure in jars of clay "to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us." In other words, God uses despicable, receptacles of garbage like us to demonstrate that He is the one that has power not us. This next line in the commentary really stuck out to me. It said, "The great power of God overcomes and transcends the clay pot. The messenger's weakness is not fatal to what he does; it is essential"
Wow...our weakness is essential. Where else in the world will we hear that? God in his wisdom and sovereignty uses in our weakness. Paul that God's grace is sufficient and that his strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).
I don't know about you, but that's pretty powerful. That takes all the pressure off me. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God." But people often forget whats next in that verse. The verse goes on to say that "He Will be exalted among the nations. He WILL be exalted in the earth." Its not a maybe it will happen. It WILL happen. No pressure on us. We just have to be still and know that He is God. He is big. He is huge. And he is madly in love with us.
As I close, I am reminded of a quote Neil Cole stated while I was in Haskell this summer. He said, "God uses ordinary people. The further you strive to be above ordinary; the further away you get from being used."
There is no pressure for me to be the best church planter or revolutionary leader. I am just an ordinary, weak, sinful person. I experienced that firsthand today. I wept; I cried like a little baby; I recognized my deceitful and sinful heart; but more than anything I realized the great and amazing love of God. That while I was still a crappy, messed up person, Christ loved me and died for me.
I was sweetly broken today, and I liked it. Thank you Jesus for reminding me of your love!
