Brokenness

It's hard to express the range of emotions I have been experiencing in the last two weeks. These past few weeks may have been the most difficult and emotional I have ever experienced. I don't think I have experienced so much heart-brokenness and peace all at the same time. I have come to a point in my life where God is asking me to surrender all my baggage to Him and pursue Him wholeheartedly. I have been asking God to break my heart for what breaks His heart, and I have been asking Him to break me and humble me. I never knew how dangerous and how painful that prayer really was.

You know those movies where the guy or the girl just breaks up with his/her significant other and they are totally brokenhearted and needy; and they are crying and sobbing to their friends, and they are just an emotional wreck? Ya, well I think in a strange way I am finding myself at that point spiritually (and ironically enough in other ways also). It's kind of a strange situation how this has all played out. It's almost humorous actually using the example I just gave. But basically, I am finding myself at the point where I must say to myself, "I AM NEEDY." Now, I know needy is not something that you want to be labeled as. It has a negative connotation of being hopeless, lost, and having no direction. And that about sums it up. I am needy. I am needy for God - have no hope without him; I am lost without; and without Him I have no direction; no purpose. But along with that, God has been showing me I am need for people. I'm not needy in terms of needing constant attention, but needy for authentic love and authentic community.

The last few months of my life have been a crazy experience of filling the God-filled vacuum in my life. I have spent hours and days and months waiting on God. In result, I have experienced so many crazy things and have grown so much spiritually that it has truly been the craziest and by far the best part of my life. But at the same time, it has been really difficult because I have realized that with all this knowledge and growth, it's almost useless if I can't share it with other people. And there in the lies the problem. I have been injected with so much vision and so much passion, but I have no outlet. In my heart, I dream of planting simple churches and missional communities. I want to see the transformational communities rise up all over our campuses, cities, and nations - communities where people tangibly experience the presence of God and are radically transformed. My heart is to reach the nations and the unreached people groups. I want to bring church to them - community.

But in this time of brokenness, I have realized I myself don't have community. How do I expect to go to the nations, to the people groups, to the campus and plant transformation communities when, in reality, I have not fully experienced one myself. To make matters worse, the one transformational relationship I did have - the friendship in which I grew the most spiritually - God asked me to give up during this season. It has been so painful giving up the one relationship where I experienced transformation and community and be left wondering where do I go next. But that's really where God has begun to break me and show me the need to enter into true biblical community. I can dream of changing the world and planting churches all over. But unless I myself know what that community looks, I can never go out and expect others to experience what I myself never have.

The journey to this conclusion has been hard, and by no means, is it yet completed. I know I must go through so much more refining and humbling. It hurts a lot, but this is what I asked for. I asked God to break my heart for what breaks His. I asked him to humble and break my pride. I'm breaking. I feel like I have had to sacrifice so much this summer, and yet, it's like God keeps showing me that I'm not done yet. I feel like I'm crazy sometimes, and I probably am. But I am at peace with everything because I know God is in control.

In the past few days, God has really been showing me that I need to give up my idea of self-worth and even reputation. For so long, I have been able to plan, organize, strategize so easily. I was able to come up with plans and vision like it was nothing. God really was working through me. However, in this latest season, I have had to come to terms that even these things I have to give up. Lately, I have been so bogged down and have experienced so much emotional duress from the attrition of the summer that I haven't even been able to mentally process like I use to. All the things that use to come so easy to me are now nonexistent and hard pressed to conjure. My mind has been so distracted and so confused. I have been so frustrated and have been so directionless. The phrase that has characterized my past few weeks is simply, "I DONT KNOW." I dont know. I just haven't known what to do. I have been so lost and so confused. I have been so needy.

Yet it has been such a beautiful letdown. Beautiful because God is bringing me back to square one. I have realized even my skills and my gifts are just that - gifts. They have been given and they can be taken away. God gave me these gifts to glorify Him. I have been so stuck up in my pride and elitist attitude that I have failed to realize that my mind, my intellect, my strategy is all from God. In this season, I have been so clueless and so lost. I have gone to meetings looking pitiful and messy admitting that I have no idea what to do. But it it's beautiful because I must go back to square one - intimacy with God. God is concerned with what I can do for Him. He isn't concerned with my skills, gifts, talents. He's concerned with my heart. God wants me to love Him, and He wants me to know I'm loved. Even if I never have another vision. Even if I never plant another movement. Even if I never preach another message. Even if I never pray another passionate prayer. Even if I never become a church planter, finish my degree, go to seminary, or be a missionary to a foreign country. If I was incapable of doing anything at all, God would still love me. God is showing me that I must live out of His love and not out of my Asian American mentality of performance-based affection.

It's hard. Because honestly, even in the midst of these difficulties, I find myself still struggling with elitist mentalities and pride. I still find myself resorting to other solutions rather than going to God in prayer. And it's not like I haven't done my quiet times. But then again, here I am ranting about performance, actions. So as you can see, I have a long way to go. But I'm starting back at square one. I must live out of being loved not of doing actions. I must be a human "being" not a human "doing." God doesn't want me to "do" a lot of things; he just wants me to "be" - be me; be loved.

So it all comes back to community. All my life, I have been giving out and ministering to others. Well, now I'm burned out. I don't have much left to give. I am NEEDY. I need love. I need to be loved by God and be loved by others. And in the midst of this all, God answers prayers. I got to sit with a mentor the other day and pour out my heart. Today, I got to meet with two guys that I barely knew and despite that we were able to share deeply with one another and make ourselves vulnerable. In the midst of my broken spirit, God is meeting my needs. Being in transformational community really does bring life to my soul. If I wrote this blog two days ago, I would be so depressed and lost. But just even in the small occurrences of transformational community I have experienced in the last few days, my spirit is being rejuvenated.

I mean there is just something about talking about God that stirs up and ministers to my soul. It's like what Jesus talked about in John 4 after talking to the Samaritan Woman about living water. He says, "I have food to eat that you don't know about...My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish is work" (John 4:31,34). There is something so powerful about ministering to one another through the work of the Holy Spirit. One of my favorite experiences with this was during my trip to Colorado this summer. Before our 12 hour trip, I wasn't able to sleep much the night before. I slept about 1 hour that night, but for some reason I decided I would drive first. For six hours, we talked about what God was doing in our lives during the summer. For six hours I drove, not tired at all and full of vigor and excitement. It probably one of the most tangible moments in feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit. There is something truly transformational when you minister to one another through the Holy Spirit.

That's what we need more of today. We need the Holy Spirit, and we need one another. We need to share our passions, our dreams, our visions. We must share ourselves. We must come broken, messy, and unkempt. We must be real. The reality of the situation is that I have tried to pursue God hardcore this summer. It hasn't been easy. Fasting, missions, sacrifices, breakups. It's been a messy process. But that's what a radical pursuit of God looks like. Nobody said it would be easy. But all the more why we need each other. We're all messy. We're all unkempt inside. There are all things we struggle with. For me it's pride, lust, self-sufficiency. God is refining me, and it's not always a fun process. We need others along the way. We must be broken.

I guess I should end with this story. Over the past week, the reality of what it means to die to myself and to live for Christ is starting to become a reality. Everything that I have ever wanted or thought I wanted God has been asking me to give up. Dreams, materialism, relationships, reputations, visions, skills, you name it. It's been soo sooo hard. But again so beautiful at the same time. I don't think I have ever experienced this before. But for the first time as we worshipped this last Sunday, I began to weep uncontrollably because the words I was singing meant so much to me. I have sung this songs so many times, but it never crushed my heart so much as it did this Sunday. The words are so simple, yet they are so profound. But I guess God has really been showing me that we really must bring God our sacrifices of praise during worship. We must truly come before Him with our own brokenness and not the brokenness of the people around us. I think that when we can come as a community and bring our complete brokenness to God to the point that every word we sing and every word we pray are a meaningful acts of sacrifices of praise, than we will truly see transformation in our own lives and in our communities. The words were simple, but they never meant so much to me until now:

As The Deer
1-	As the deer pants for the water
	So my soul longs after you
	You alone are my heart's desire
	And I long to worship you
R-	You alone are my strength, my shield
	To you alone will my spirit yield
	You alone are my hearts desire
	And I long to worship you
2-	I want you more than gold or silver
	Only you can satisfy
	You alone are the real joy giver
	And the apple of my eye
3-	You're my friend and you are my Father
	Even though you are my King
	I love you more than any other
	So much more than anything

Never have these words echoed so much to the point that I am in my life. Never have these words been a painstaking cry of the emotional and spiritual state that rumbles inside of me. There was something so powerful about these lines and something so symbolic. These words are taken from Psalm 42 - one of my favorite Psalms. It's crazy that it was this song that broke me so intensely because it was during the middle of my freshman year when God first really brought me to this Psalm. It was a transformational point of my life when God asked me to give up my major at the time -bioengineering and pre-med. God asked me to give up my dreams, my selfish ambitions and pursue His. That definitely was a such a difficult time where my heart found solace in the verses of Psalm 42 that said, "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within e? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

And yet again, that why my heart and soul turns to. My lone satisfaction is Christ, and my only hope is God. I am back at square one. Being Broken. Being Humbled. Yet looking back at my life at the first major breaking in my life, God truly was faithful and brought me through a significant point of transformation. It was painful, but it was well worth it. The scary/exciting part is that I don't think it's done yet. Though there have been many bright spots in the past couple days, and I think the tides are beginning to turn. God has been putting people in my life to encourage and build me up. Just today, one of the leaders of the prayer house told me His vision for the Asian community and how he wants to gather all the Asian youth from the schools and churches to pray together for revival. Apparently, Cindy Jacobs gave a specific word about the Asian youth in Arizona seeing revival in 2009! God is still on the move and is doing exciting things. But I must continue to learn that God has invited me on this journey, and it is His mission not mine.

So square one here I am. Intimacy. Intimacy. Intimacy. Today, I read a quote about how intimacy leads to reproduction. If want to see our community and our unity reproduced, it's all about intimacy with God and with one another. Intimacy. Intimacy. Intimacy. That about sums it up.

God, I pray that you would continue to break our hearts for what breaks yours. Whatever we once counted for gain, we now count for loss. God give us a heart for the nations. Give us a heart for the lost. God give us a heart that knows the Father's heart. Lord, may we know that we are loved by you - that one gaze into your eyes makes you giddy with joy. God we want to bring joy to your heart. Not by our actions, but by our love. We wan to be like Mary and sit at your feet. God, we will offer you sacrifices of extravagant love. We will offer up our pasts, presents, and even mortgage our futures because we know you are worth more than anything we could possibly possess. Make us lovesick for you. Make us like elementary schoolgirls enthralled by their first crush. We want to fall more and more in love you in every waking and even sleeping moment. Our desire for you cannot be contained or expressed. We desire to intimately known you and be intimately known. Thank you that your love is perfect and casts out all fear. Thank you that you love is transformational. Thank you that your love is all we need. You said they will know us by our love. May we love one another. May the love that overflows from our hearts change the world. Take us back to square one. You are first love. We don't live out of doing; we live out of being. Thank you that we love you because you first loved us. Draw us close to your heart never let us go. You said "be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord" (Psalm 31:24). We will wait for you, O Lord. Your name and your renown are the desires of our heart! In Jesus name. Amen.

The Call

Wow! So today was a pretty intense day to say the least. The youth group at my church held a day of fasting, worship, and prayer from 10:00am to 5:00pm. This event was held as part of a larger gathering of young people fasting and praying at Washington D.C. today named the "THE CALL." On this day in Washington D.C., about a million people from around the United States gathered together to pray and fast to end abortion and sexual immorality and see revival in America.

Just the fact, the youth group at my church decided to put on this event is amazing. I have seen so much tremendous growth spiritually in them in just this last summer. It is awesome to see how God is doing amazing things among our youth, and it's really cool to see my younger brother who is 18 lead them. I never really expected to see something of this magnitude put together by our youth group. But God has taken a hold of their hearts, and they have been committed to radically pursuing God through fasting and prayer.

Today has probably been the most intense time of worship I have ever experienced. I mean firs of all it just blows my mind to see high schoolers who are so talented musically and using those talents to glorify God. They are beginning to understand more and more what it means to be true lovesick worshippers of God. So as we were praying, everyone was just pouring their hearts out to God. As we sang , I began just crying out to God praying for Him to send revival. As I prayed, I became so overwhelmed my emotion that I began to weep uncontrollably. I don't think I have ever wept so hard in my life. It was such a refreshing moment of crying out to God and interceding on behalf of our church and our nation. I don't think I have ever felt the Holy Spirit so strongly moving in my body and in our presence. God is good, and He definitely is alive! I never expected to be so emotional and cry out so passionately, but there is something that just consumes you when you lay it all down before God and ask for revival.

I am so blessed and encouraged by my brother. He lead the prayer so well. He truly is learning more and more how to be lead by the Spirit and to cry out passionately for the youth he leads and the nation. It's awesome to see Him grow and step into His identity in Christ. I had such an awesome conversation with him the night before as well. I know I have failed as an older brother in a lot of ways. It was so great to be able to just openly talk to him, confess to him, and grow closer together. God truly has great things in store for him, and it's awesome just to see what God is doing. He prayed so many passionate prayers of revival today. It's no wonder that God has used him in remarkable ways to help the youth group grow. Our youth started out as a small group of 8 people less than two years ago. Today, more than 30 people come consistently to their weekly meetings. The youth group has no youth pastor. They are student led and guided by the Holy Spirit. It's truly remarkable and encouraging to see. There have been many difficulties along the way. But out of the brokenness and hardships, God is truly birthing a revolution - a group of young people who will truly impact the world.

Towards the end of our time of prayer, I got to go up and pray over the youth and challenge them to be set apart in prayer, purity, and passion. The Holy Spirit truly gave me the words to pray out and speak over the youth. As I called them to respond to the commitment to purity and to stand in the gap, it was so amazing to see so many of them come up to the altar and bring their brokenness to God. I know that God definitely saw their sacrifices of pain and brokenness, and those sacrifices were like a pleasing aroma that God could not deny. I know God has amazing things in store for our youth, and I know God has amazing things in store for our nation.

The youth of our generation are responding. They are rising up the call to be set apart and holy. They are rising up the call to stand in the gap and be a nameless, faceless army who makes straight the way of the Lord. The revolution is beginning. It's beginning in the youth groups, the high schools, and college campuses of America. It's beginning with young people passionately praying and fasting on their hands and knees seeking revival and saying no the things of this world. The army is being equipped. Only time will tell what they will unleash through the power of Jesus!

God, continue to equip your army. Raise up a generation who will have no fear - a generation who will stand in the gap. Raise up an army of young people who will say no to the legitimate pleasures of the word, for the extreme pleasures of knowing God. Raise up a youth who will love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, strength, and mind. And love their neighbors as themselves. Protect their hearts and minds. Consume them with your fire. May they be shining lights that all may see. May they bring glory to your name, and not be worried about recognition for themselves. The whole world has counted them out and has told them that they are not good enough and they will never do anything significant. But God you are calling your generation back to you. You are calling our hearts back to our first love. May we never forsake our intimacy with you. Give us oil in our lamps that we will continue to burn with and everlasting light as a testimony to your love and power. We entrust this generation to you. We will give up our lives for the sake of the cross. What we once counted as gain, we now count as loss. All we want is you Jesus. End abortion, and bring revival to America! In Jesus name we pray, Amen!

Stepping Forward

So I'm here back in my home in good 'ol Arizona. It's been difficult to get back into the swing of things. I want to share all my stories and all my experiences, but my mind is all over the place. So many things to think over. So many decisions to make. Sometimes I feel paralyzed by the weight of decisions that rest before me. There are decisions about school, business, and life. I feel like I am at another crossroads at my life where the next step I take is crucial in shaping my future. I built such a solid foundation this past summer and have grown so much from my experiences. And all of those experiences have led to this. I wish I could elaborate more and get more specific. But I'm sure we've all gone through these seasons in our life. We experience great joy and growth in one season. This all leading to a climax in which we must decide how we are going to take that experience and put it into practical use.

It has been a difficult journey. It's been a roller coaster adventure of ups and downs. Along the way, I have experienced conflicting emotions which has led to confusion, frustration, and, at times, paralysis. But a season of breakthrough is coming. And with that season of breakthrough is a season of refreshment. But before seasons of refreshing come seasons of refinement. So here I am in this season of refinement. God has been showing me a lot, and now I am in the position where I must respond. Like I said, it's not easy to respond when the decisions I'm faced with have lasting consequences. But I'm excited and hopeful, for I know that God has all things in His hands. So I'll be patient, and I'll wait for Him to guide me step by step.

So anyway, my brother has really been encouraging me to start writing with him. And for the last couple of days we have been doing some writing sessions. It has been the first time in a long time that I've really tried more free-flowing, creative writing. But it definitely has been therapeutic. Today, I was able to vent out some of the frustrations I have felt in trying to re-adjust back to life at home and no longer being on the road. It's great to be back home and hang out with my brother and my family. Yet, again, it's hard to deal with all the things in my mind that I must process at the same time.

But anyhoo, I wanted to share this piece I wrote up tonight with the encouragement of my brother (Thanks bro!) that really just speaks to coping with confusions and frustrations of dealing with the low points we experience in our lives after we experience points of exponential growth and happiness. In the midst of darkness and uncertainty, we must take the next step forward and trust that God is lighting our path and guiding each step of the way.

“Stepping Forward”:

An ode to the valleys we all face after times of great joy. There is a time and a season for everything. Take a step forward and reach out, for there is something greater yet to come– something more.

Psalm 23:4 – “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff comfort me.”

This one goes out to my brothers and sisters who are struggling.
Keep your head up for the light of day is coming.

Confusion. Frustration. I am at a loss for words.
I sit here wondering, what is this all for?
Is this life? Is this what it’s supposed to be.
We’re living in a world that’s only looking out for “me.”

Emptiness. It surrounds me all around.
Suffocating me ‘til I hit the ground.
Knocked out of my senses and my sense of worth
I wonder to myself, is this the reason for my birth?

Restless. I don’t know where to go.
I thought I had the answers, but they all proved to be a joke.
I thought I knew it all. I was at the top of my game.
Then it all came crashing down in one single frame

Awakened. A new dawn. A brand new day.
All I want is to brush my pain away.
I’m tired of confusion. I’m tired of the lies.
I’m tired of hiding behind the masks and smiles.
On the outside is a glimmer. On the inside hides the pain.
Will the rays of the sun soon dispel the darkness away?

Resolution. There must be some sort of remedy.
All this pain and anguish must not be meant to be.
There must be something better. Something more than this.
The damage I’ve collected can’t be easily dismissed.

Yearning. For something. Something more than this.
Day by day continues; ignorance offers me no bliss.
The clock is ticking. The hours rushing by
With moments of anxious waiting and agonizing lies.

Truth. Tomorrow brings a new day.
But why wait for tomorrow when the moment is today.
The moment of truth, is it finally here?
All you have to do is open up your ears
Listen to the raindrops. Let loose your tears.
Take heart my friend, for times of refreshing are near.

Realization. There is more than life to this.
The new day offers solace from our ignorance.
Step out of the darkness. Step into the light.
The moment is here and now. Don’t put up a fight.
Let go of yesterday. Let go of today and tomorrow.
Uncertainty is okay for your steps are numbered farther.

Psalm 90:12 -The Lord teaches us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.
Our life is short; our next step uncertain.

But there is a promise to those who delight in God’s way.
There is no fear; there is no reason for shame.
Even when we stumble and fall, take a step forward once more.
For the steps of those who hope in God are established by the Lord.
(Psalm 37:23-24)