Brokenness

It's hard to express the range of emotions I have been experiencing in the last two weeks. These past few weeks may have been the most difficult and emotional I have ever experienced. I don't think I have experienced so much heart-brokenness and peace all at the same time. I have come to a point in my life where God is asking me to surrender all my baggage to Him and pursue Him wholeheartedly. I have been asking God to break my heart for what breaks His heart, and I have been asking Him to break me and humble me. I never knew how dangerous and how painful that prayer really was.

You know those movies where the guy or the girl just breaks up with his/her significant other and they are totally brokenhearted and needy; and they are crying and sobbing to their friends, and they are just an emotional wreck? Ya, well I think in a strange way I am finding myself at that point spiritually (and ironically enough in other ways also). It's kind of a strange situation how this has all played out. It's almost humorous actually using the example I just gave. But basically, I am finding myself at the point where I must say to myself, "I AM NEEDY." Now, I know needy is not something that you want to be labeled as. It has a negative connotation of being hopeless, lost, and having no direction. And that about sums it up. I am needy. I am needy for God - have no hope without him; I am lost without; and without Him I have no direction; no purpose. But along with that, God has been showing me I am need for people. I'm not needy in terms of needing constant attention, but needy for authentic love and authentic community.

The last few months of my life have been a crazy experience of filling the God-filled vacuum in my life. I have spent hours and days and months waiting on God. In result, I have experienced so many crazy things and have grown so much spiritually that it has truly been the craziest and by far the best part of my life. But at the same time, it has been really difficult because I have realized that with all this knowledge and growth, it's almost useless if I can't share it with other people. And there in the lies the problem. I have been injected with so much vision and so much passion, but I have no outlet. In my heart, I dream of planting simple churches and missional communities. I want to see the transformational communities rise up all over our campuses, cities, and nations - communities where people tangibly experience the presence of God and are radically transformed. My heart is to reach the nations and the unreached people groups. I want to bring church to them - community.

But in this time of brokenness, I have realized I myself don't have community. How do I expect to go to the nations, to the people groups, to the campus and plant transformation communities when, in reality, I have not fully experienced one myself. To make matters worse, the one transformational relationship I did have - the friendship in which I grew the most spiritually - God asked me to give up during this season. It has been so painful giving up the one relationship where I experienced transformation and community and be left wondering where do I go next. But that's really where God has begun to break me and show me the need to enter into true biblical community. I can dream of changing the world and planting churches all over. But unless I myself know what that community looks, I can never go out and expect others to experience what I myself never have.

The journey to this conclusion has been hard, and by no means, is it yet completed. I know I must go through so much more refining and humbling. It hurts a lot, but this is what I asked for. I asked God to break my heart for what breaks His. I asked him to humble and break my pride. I'm breaking. I feel like I have had to sacrifice so much this summer, and yet, it's like God keeps showing me that I'm not done yet. I feel like I'm crazy sometimes, and I probably am. But I am at peace with everything because I know God is in control.

In the past few days, God has really been showing me that I need to give up my idea of self-worth and even reputation. For so long, I have been able to plan, organize, strategize so easily. I was able to come up with plans and vision like it was nothing. God really was working through me. However, in this latest season, I have had to come to terms that even these things I have to give up. Lately, I have been so bogged down and have experienced so much emotional duress from the attrition of the summer that I haven't even been able to mentally process like I use to. All the things that use to come so easy to me are now nonexistent and hard pressed to conjure. My mind has been so distracted and so confused. I have been so frustrated and have been so directionless. The phrase that has characterized my past few weeks is simply, "I DONT KNOW." I dont know. I just haven't known what to do. I have been so lost and so confused. I have been so needy.

Yet it has been such a beautiful letdown. Beautiful because God is bringing me back to square one. I have realized even my skills and my gifts are just that - gifts. They have been given and they can be taken away. God gave me these gifts to glorify Him. I have been so stuck up in my pride and elitist attitude that I have failed to realize that my mind, my intellect, my strategy is all from God. In this season, I have been so clueless and so lost. I have gone to meetings looking pitiful and messy admitting that I have no idea what to do. But it it's beautiful because I must go back to square one - intimacy with God. God is concerned with what I can do for Him. He isn't concerned with my skills, gifts, talents. He's concerned with my heart. God wants me to love Him, and He wants me to know I'm loved. Even if I never have another vision. Even if I never plant another movement. Even if I never preach another message. Even if I never pray another passionate prayer. Even if I never become a church planter, finish my degree, go to seminary, or be a missionary to a foreign country. If I was incapable of doing anything at all, God would still love me. God is showing me that I must live out of His love and not out of my Asian American mentality of performance-based affection.

It's hard. Because honestly, even in the midst of these difficulties, I find myself still struggling with elitist mentalities and pride. I still find myself resorting to other solutions rather than going to God in prayer. And it's not like I haven't done my quiet times. But then again, here I am ranting about performance, actions. So as you can see, I have a long way to go. But I'm starting back at square one. I must live out of being loved not of doing actions. I must be a human "being" not a human "doing." God doesn't want me to "do" a lot of things; he just wants me to "be" - be me; be loved.

So it all comes back to community. All my life, I have been giving out and ministering to others. Well, now I'm burned out. I don't have much left to give. I am NEEDY. I need love. I need to be loved by God and be loved by others. And in the midst of this all, God answers prayers. I got to sit with a mentor the other day and pour out my heart. Today, I got to meet with two guys that I barely knew and despite that we were able to share deeply with one another and make ourselves vulnerable. In the midst of my broken spirit, God is meeting my needs. Being in transformational community really does bring life to my soul. If I wrote this blog two days ago, I would be so depressed and lost. But just even in the small occurrences of transformational community I have experienced in the last few days, my spirit is being rejuvenated.

I mean there is just something about talking about God that stirs up and ministers to my soul. It's like what Jesus talked about in John 4 after talking to the Samaritan Woman about living water. He says, "I have food to eat that you don't know about...My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish is work" (John 4:31,34). There is something so powerful about ministering to one another through the work of the Holy Spirit. One of my favorite experiences with this was during my trip to Colorado this summer. Before our 12 hour trip, I wasn't able to sleep much the night before. I slept about 1 hour that night, but for some reason I decided I would drive first. For six hours, we talked about what God was doing in our lives during the summer. For six hours I drove, not tired at all and full of vigor and excitement. It probably one of the most tangible moments in feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit. There is something truly transformational when you minister to one another through the Holy Spirit.

That's what we need more of today. We need the Holy Spirit, and we need one another. We need to share our passions, our dreams, our visions. We must share ourselves. We must come broken, messy, and unkempt. We must be real. The reality of the situation is that I have tried to pursue God hardcore this summer. It hasn't been easy. Fasting, missions, sacrifices, breakups. It's been a messy process. But that's what a radical pursuit of God looks like. Nobody said it would be easy. But all the more why we need each other. We're all messy. We're all unkempt inside. There are all things we struggle with. For me it's pride, lust, self-sufficiency. God is refining me, and it's not always a fun process. We need others along the way. We must be broken.

I guess I should end with this story. Over the past week, the reality of what it means to die to myself and to live for Christ is starting to become a reality. Everything that I have ever wanted or thought I wanted God has been asking me to give up. Dreams, materialism, relationships, reputations, visions, skills, you name it. It's been soo sooo hard. But again so beautiful at the same time. I don't think I have ever experienced this before. But for the first time as we worshipped this last Sunday, I began to weep uncontrollably because the words I was singing meant so much to me. I have sung this songs so many times, but it never crushed my heart so much as it did this Sunday. The words are so simple, yet they are so profound. But I guess God has really been showing me that we really must bring God our sacrifices of praise during worship. We must truly come before Him with our own brokenness and not the brokenness of the people around us. I think that when we can come as a community and bring our complete brokenness to God to the point that every word we sing and every word we pray are a meaningful acts of sacrifices of praise, than we will truly see transformation in our own lives and in our communities. The words were simple, but they never meant so much to me until now:

As The Deer
1-	As the deer pants for the water
	So my soul longs after you
	You alone are my heart's desire
	And I long to worship you
R-	You alone are my strength, my shield
	To you alone will my spirit yield
	You alone are my hearts desire
	And I long to worship you
2-	I want you more than gold or silver
	Only you can satisfy
	You alone are the real joy giver
	And the apple of my eye
3-	You're my friend and you are my Father
	Even though you are my King
	I love you more than any other
	So much more than anything

Never have these words echoed so much to the point that I am in my life. Never have these words been a painstaking cry of the emotional and spiritual state that rumbles inside of me. There was something so powerful about these lines and something so symbolic. These words are taken from Psalm 42 - one of my favorite Psalms. It's crazy that it was this song that broke me so intensely because it was during the middle of my freshman year when God first really brought me to this Psalm. It was a transformational point of my life when God asked me to give up my major at the time -bioengineering and pre-med. God asked me to give up my dreams, my selfish ambitions and pursue His. That definitely was a such a difficult time where my heart found solace in the verses of Psalm 42 that said, "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within e? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

And yet again, that why my heart and soul turns to. My lone satisfaction is Christ, and my only hope is God. I am back at square one. Being Broken. Being Humbled. Yet looking back at my life at the first major breaking in my life, God truly was faithful and brought me through a significant point of transformation. It was painful, but it was well worth it. The scary/exciting part is that I don't think it's done yet. Though there have been many bright spots in the past couple days, and I think the tides are beginning to turn. God has been putting people in my life to encourage and build me up. Just today, one of the leaders of the prayer house told me His vision for the Asian community and how he wants to gather all the Asian youth from the schools and churches to pray together for revival. Apparently, Cindy Jacobs gave a specific word about the Asian youth in Arizona seeing revival in 2009! God is still on the move and is doing exciting things. But I must continue to learn that God has invited me on this journey, and it is His mission not mine.

So square one here I am. Intimacy. Intimacy. Intimacy. Today, I read a quote about how intimacy leads to reproduction. If want to see our community and our unity reproduced, it's all about intimacy with God and with one another. Intimacy. Intimacy. Intimacy. That about sums it up.

God, I pray that you would continue to break our hearts for what breaks yours. Whatever we once counted for gain, we now count for loss. God give us a heart for the nations. Give us a heart for the lost. God give us a heart that knows the Father's heart. Lord, may we know that we are loved by you - that one gaze into your eyes makes you giddy with joy. God we want to bring joy to your heart. Not by our actions, but by our love. We wan to be like Mary and sit at your feet. God, we will offer you sacrifices of extravagant love. We will offer up our pasts, presents, and even mortgage our futures because we know you are worth more than anything we could possibly possess. Make us lovesick for you. Make us like elementary schoolgirls enthralled by their first crush. We want to fall more and more in love you in every waking and even sleeping moment. Our desire for you cannot be contained or expressed. We desire to intimately known you and be intimately known. Thank you that your love is perfect and casts out all fear. Thank you that you love is transformational. Thank you that your love is all we need. You said they will know us by our love. May we love one another. May the love that overflows from our hearts change the world. Take us back to square one. You are first love. We don't live out of doing; we live out of being. Thank you that we love you because you first loved us. Draw us close to your heart never let us go. You said "be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord" (Psalm 31:24). We will wait for you, O Lord. Your name and your renown are the desires of our heart! In Jesus name. Amen.