just a little rant...

God, Where do I go, Father? I'm so confused. Nothing seems right. Everything seems like its going out of control. I don't even know what to do or what to say. Inside me, I feel like conflicting emotions are battling out. I feel like my Spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. I can't handle this inner tension. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to explode. I am discontent. Why? Maybe, because i've seen what the church could like. I've seen what true transformational community could look like. I've seen what true love could look like in friendship and with community. But here I am back at square one, and all around me I see pain and turmoil. This burden runs deep. It bites to my soul. I'm so discontented thinking about the pain my friends and family face on a daily basis. I'm so discontented with the way things are. Even as a I look at myself in the mirror, I see brokenness, pain, and conflicting emotions. On one hand my Spirit cries out for revival; it is crying out to release this passion within me that is dying to be unleashed. On the other hand, my flesh is weak. I have experienced the attrition of the summer. I've been beaten up and tossed around. My body aches, illness consumes my body, my lungs burned by a relentless cough. I can't sleep at night. I am so restless, yet so tired and confused. I can't wake up in the morning - my body trying to catch up from the experiences of the past. So much to think about. So much to process. So little time. Yet the world continues - continues in wallowing in it's pain. What are we doing about it? Hurricanes are devastating people of Louisiana, children in Africa are dying of aids, innocent children being sex-trafficked everyday. Classmates are struggling with depression, drug dependence, eating disorders. Families are being torn by divorce, abuse, death, pain. And what are we doing to reach out the lost and the dying? Do we recognize the pain they go through each and every day? Do we recognize that the pain is right in front of us, right beside us, even inside of us?

God, you have awakened me to the reality of this injustice. I have been so consumed with myself that I have been oblivious to the true condition of humanity. Who is standing up for the illegal immigrants, who is willing to be the the voice for the voiceless, who are the ones willing to stand up for the unborn? And yet, here we are as a generation paralyzed and oblivious to the debilitating condition of humanity because we are lost in our own pain and hurt. God where is the true biblical community? Where are those who are willing to stand in the gap? Where are those who truly care for the lost, the dying, the oppressed. Forgive me God, for I have failed you. I have looked at the lost and said they are not good enough for our churches. I have looked at the oppressed and said they are not worthy. I have condemned the very people you want me to care for. I have turned my back on those who are truly in need. I have been starstruck by the possibilities of great programs and institutions. I have reveled at what it would like to change the world. But the world will never be changed as long as we are still blind. I have been blinded by my lack of love. God, I am so discontented. How could I have been so blind to the true pain and hurt this world experiences every day. I have been blinded by my pride, my self-righteousness, and even my ambition. I want to change the world, but we can't change the world unless you first change our hearts. Bring our hearts back to submission. Bring our hearts back to our first love.

As I sit here so discontented, so frustrated so confused, I know that I am under constant spiritual attack. My body and my spirit are in constant opposition, and the weakness of my body is constantly winning out over my Spirit. Yet in this all, I see the greater plan that is in all this. We can't love until we take off our blinders. We can't love unless we recognize the condition. We can't love until in our own brokenness we are broken in compassion. We can't empathize until we feel their pain. God it hurts! How can we let the innocent die in vain? How can we let them fall without their voice being heard? How can we allow them to isolate themselves in depression while the rest of us parade with our fake smiles and facades!

God, I am so sorry for being blind - being blind to the need of the world, being blind to my need for you. So often, I get so caught up in my accolades and achievements. But those are all nothing in comparison of your overwhelming glory. God, may I truly be able to count as loss all that I once counted as gain. Tear down my pride, my ego, my sense of self. All those things are worth nothing. My gifts and my talents, my achievements and my pride will never change the world. As much as I would like to try to force my will onto others, I know in the end it is all futile. You alone can change hearts. You alone can institute change. You alone can bring satisfaction. You alone can change my heart and give me a fresh new start.

God, I give my life to revival because I am discontented with the current way of the world. I see pain, corruption, and loneliness, and there is nothing I can do about it. The burden overwhelms me, and I am driven to paralysis. I can't move because I realize that the same pain the world feels I feel inside too. I can't help the world because I have the same problem. I need you. You are the answer. You are the solution. You are the remedy. We are hopeless without you. But God, I will give my life to you - not for the sake of revival in and of itself. Revival is not the solution in and of itself. Jesus is the answer. And so I give my life to Christ because there in lies the only solution. Drugs, sex, food, relationships - they only satisfy temporarily. I have felt the pressure, the burden - it's not easy. But I will never compromise my true love! God, may you hold me secure and never let me go. Keep me from temptation and falling into evil. The pain and the difficulty is huge. But you are even bigger.

I tried to run this race on my own for far too long. God, I'm in need of you. I'm in need of your people. Raise up your laborers. Raise up your lovesick worshippers. Raise up your army. God may you empower us to fight injustice, to bind the brokenhearted, to set the captives free. We can no longer stand to see abortion, depression, and sexual immorality. God, we are under constant attack. Satan wants our friends, families, and homes. But greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world! So even when hardships overcome us and we are knocked down to our knees, we know that we are stronger because you have overcome the world. God, we count int all joy when we face trials of many kind because we know that the testing of our faith produces perseverance. God, we know that all things work out together for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. God we know that you will bring into completion that great work you have started in us.

We will never back down. We will never surrender. For to live is Christ, and to die is gain! Let the generation be awakened! Let the true worshippers arise! We will worship in spirit and truth. We will no longer remain silent! God, come to our rescue. The trials are growing more difficult. The enemy is mocking us. Be faithful to the righteous.

God, my heart is in your hands. You are my true romance; my lone satisfaction. You consume my heart and my soul. You are on my mind all day long. I desire to never leave your presence. I am overwhelmed by your love. Help me to remember your faithfulness to me. Guide my every step. My life is in you Lord. I have nowhere else to go. I have turned my back to the world because it had nothing to offer me. You alone offer Living Water that lasts for an eternity. Rain your Living Water upon our land. Water the desert. Bring healing to our hearts. Bring healing to our land.

"By this I know that you delight in me: my enemy will not shout in triumph over me. But you have upheld me because of my integrity, and set me in your presence forever. Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting!
Amen and Amen." (Psalm 41:11-13)