The Great California Adventure Part 1

So I just finished part 1 of my Great California Adventure. I got back to my dorm from Los Angeles at around 8pm or so. It's been a pretty long drive/weekend/day.... and it's only part 1. Hmm... I wonder what else is in store. In case you haven't heard, I am embarking on 3 weekend adventure to California for the next three weekends which I started this weekend. I went to Los Angeles this weekend for a funeral. Next, weekend I am going to CalState Fullerton to Friendship Games, a big Filipino field day kind of thing with the Filipino organization at ASU. And the weekend after that, I am going to TheCall in San Diego. I am pooped at this point. I really don't want to write or think about anything right now. But I know that God has something for me in California that I need to really sit down and reflect upon. So where to begin...

Well, before I get all serious and reflect on the events of the weekend, I want to talk about the more fun and lighter stuff of my Great California Adventure and reminisce a bit. Haha, before I go any further, can I say that half of the fun of this California Adventure is the name itself. It reminds of my Disneyland and California Adventure. Haha...the last time my family and I went to California Adventure was a few years ago. My cousin and I rode the Mickey Mouse Roller Coaster at California Adventure like 7 times in a row because there were no lines! It was great! I really like roller coasters. Speaking of roller coasters, that reminds of the time I went to Six Flags. I really wanted to ride this really big roller coaster called Goliath. If the name doesn't give it a way, it was quite a giant of a roller coaster. So long story short, I really wanted to ride it, but no one else would come with me because all my younger cousins were too scared. So ya, I definitely went on Goliath and slayed him all by my lonesome. I have a picture to prove it too just in case you don't believe me. So back to my California Adventure story, so my cousin and I rode the roller coaster and other fun rides, and my brother, who was quite scared at the time, rode dumbo and the Ferris wheel with my little cousins. Haha, oh I love my bro. That was hilarious though.

Another time, I went to Disneyland, my cousin was trying to be really cool and navigate his way through people and stay ahead of us as we exited the park. However, while we were walking out, I saw a candy store, and I really wanted to stop and get some candy. Plus, I kind of wanted to spite my cousin because he was being a jerk and trying to get out before us. So the rest of my family stopped and got some candy, while my cousin continued roaming forward with the rest of the mass of people exiting the park. Well as you can imagine, I was very happy to get some candy - I have a pretty crazy sweet tooth! But, my cousin was long gone and nowhere to be found. This was before the days when all kids had cell phones at the age 0f 7 like they do today. We didn't have cell phones. So we had to go all over Disneyland and the parking lot looking for my cousin. Well fast forward a few hours later after the park is closed and stuff, we find my cousin huddled up and crying with the rest of the little kids at the Lost and Found. Haha, my teenage cousin was at the Lost and Found of the Disneyland with all the little kids. I know its kind of sad in reality. But funny to think about it now. We have ragged him about it for a while.

So ya, those are bad Disneyland experiences for my cousin and brother, so what about me? Haha....well, you should never have asked. Haha, so one time we were at Disneyland, and we stopped to get some frozen lemonade at a vendor. It was my me and my three cousins as usual my brother was with little cousins getting his Dumbo on. So we were in line getting some lemonade, and there were three girls in front of us who were about my age. They turn around ask me my name and where I am from. Me, of course, being suave and nonchalant replied, "I'm Carl, and I from Roswell, NM" (I used to live in Roswell, just in case you didnt catch that). I don't know how old I was back then maybe somewhere between 14-16. But anyway, these girls were totally hitting on me. They were like, "oh cool, I have never met anyone from New Mexico. Can we take your picture?" Ya, I know totally random, but this really happened. I promise. I vividly remember this because these things don't happen to me very often haha. You can ask my cousins. So anyway, I was a total noob. I didn't know how to respond to a girl or really do anything constructive whatsoever. What was a moment of opportunity, just became an awkward moment of.... I dont even know what to call it. So we exchanged some small talk and went on our own ways. But ya that was a funny moment. So fast forward to a couple hours later. My cousins and I are walking around Disneyland, and they see the girls who talked to me. They point them out to me, and I try to play it off like I'm cool and don't seem them. You know, I was just trying to be suave about it and say to myself like "whatever, girls...pft that happens to me all the time (but inside I am like OMG, what the heck is going on?! Disneyland is freakin legit, Woot! Let's go here every day!) Because I was trying to play it off and be cool, my cousins decided to be jerks and yell really loudly, "Carl, to your right, to your right!" They were so loud and obnoxious. I think the girls saw us and just started laughing. Anyway, that was really embarrassing and my cousins make fun of about that all time.

I don't know if that's really funny to anyone else, but my cousins and I get a kick out of our Disneyland stories all the time. We like to remember our stories of shared joy and embarrassment. Haha, so anyway... I'm not really sure what the point of all that was. I think I was just trying to connect my past California Adventures to this one. I really do feel like God has something He wants to show me in these next few weeks. I think there is something about going to my roots and digging up something there. I was born in Los Angeles California and go there to visit my family often. It's like my second home. So ya, I guess that's just kind of a preface for the next few posts about my California Adventure.

So back to the events of this weekend. Some of my highlights as usual was hanging out with cousins. I love hanging out with my family so much whether it is the family on my mom's side or dad's side. We are all around the same age, and it's always so much fun. My family is so talented and skilled in music and different stuff. I feel like I need to step up my game when I am around them. We went to Yogurt Land on Saturday! That place is bomb! Bomb Bomb Bomb. MMMM....I love Yogurt Land. Ever since I was introduced to the wonders of Yogurt Land by my Epic homeboys and homegirls, I have been a fan ever since. I used to thnk Pinkberry was bomb, but Pinkberry got's nothing on Yogurt Land. Haha, sorry I am just really passionate about frozen yogurt and dessert in general. Ask anybody who went with me to Japan. Then, we hung out at the mall walked around some stores and went to In and Out. While we were walking around the mall, we totally got carded by some cop. The cop stopped us and asked us how old we were because if we were under 18 there was a curfew and we had to go home. My cousins started showing their IDs. One was seventeen but the others were 18 and one of my cousins was 24. The cop asked me how old I was. When I told him I was 21, he kind of laughed like I was joking. But eventually, he got the drift and told us we were ok. It was kind of funny because we look young because of our Asianness. But whatever, it's all good.

So I feel like I'm just telling a bunch of random stories that don't make any sense. But whatever, it's my blog, so I do what I want. I guess they are all kind of a release for me and part of the process of remembering. I feel like I really need to look into the past and see what God has been doing and what he wants to reveal to me. It's nice to think about the joy and innocence I shared with my cousins back in the day. A lot has changed since then, but my family has been such an important part of life. So going back this weekend was like business as usual. But in the midst of that, a lot has changed.

First of all, I was in LA for a funeral. Crazy as it seems, this has been the first time I have ever been to a funeral for someone I was closely related to. So ya, I don't really know how to feel about that. On the surface, I am fine. I wanted to feel empathy and understand the pain that my family was going through, but in many ways, I couldn't relate. It was really hard for me to truly feel emotions to the loss of my great uncle because I found that many of my childhood memories with him have been forgotten. This is something that really has been bugging me the last few days. How have I forgotten so many memories of the past that I have had with special loved ones? To make things even interesting, my brother reminded me and my family that the last time we were in LA, we didn't visit this particular uncle because we were too tired. Gosh, I feel like such a jerk sometimes.

I guess that's another thing I learned this weekend. I found myself seeing a lot of the roots and inadequacies of my life over this past weekend. I failed to seize opportunities when I could have. I was impatient and got flustered by some peoples responses and actions. I was exhausted and even kind of fell asleep during the funeral service. I didn't have intentional spiritual conversations with my family and cousins yet again. I found myself getting kind of angry when asked to do things. And one thing that really bugs me about myself, I find myself getting kind of annoyed when my family decides to do devotions together. I don't know what it is. The fact that my family is willing to pray together is awesome! It's not like I get really angry or have a temper or anything. But whenever I am with my family, I find myself retorting to a lot of bad habits and personality traits that I don't normally portray or possess on a daily basis. I got really frustrated with myself this weekend because I saw a lot of parts of the old me. I saw a lot of parts that still need a lot of healing and lot of work on.

To go along with this, I began to also see the root of a lot of my families hardships and division. I found out a lot of things that are heartbreaking and eye-opening to the great spiritual warfare that is going on in my family. I never fully realized the extent of the pain that was occurring. But the wounds are huge. They are unbearable. They hurt me to even think about. I saw not only the roots of my own personal struggle, but I saw where those roots came from my family. My entire extended family used to be so close and loving, but something happened that has broken that unity a part. These type of situations have happened in both of my families. It was crazy because for the first time in years, I saw family members that I used to see on a yearly basis. But it was so sad that the moment that brought us together was the death of the family members.

Anyway, you can see that this weekend though having some traces of fun was not all fun and games. This was a very frustrating weekend for me. It started off pretty bad when I stayed up all night Thursday writing a midterm than being really tired during the funeral after driving up the day before. Then there was the whole sadness associated with the funeral. Then in the background was the looming pain of my extended family as a whole. On top of that are the current struggles of the people around living in the same house. There were many stories. And I was in no condition to really soak up what was going on. In many ways, I felt kind of bad because I couldn't really minister to my family in the ways that I may have wanted to. Not that I necessarily could have or should have done anything, but I know there were many missed opportunities and moments where I could have been more intentional. But enough of the should have or could have. What happened, happened. I can't change the past, and don't want to. I know that God did something special there. And I know that just as much as my family is in need of healing, I am right there with them.

But there were some bright spots in the midst of the frustrations. Like I said, our family got together for the first time in many years, and I got to see and spend some time with people I haven't seen in a long time. I know that even though I didn't feel like I was doing anything, and I feel like I could have done more, God used me in those situations whether it was just a smile, a hug, or a hello. God has definitely begun the healing process. The funeral service went pretty well. My great uncle was an amazing man of God, and so I while there were emotional moments, overall it was a celebration of the promotion of a great man of God. I learned a lot about my great uncle. He was a great singer and a compassionate man of God. He delayed getting married until his 40s or so because before he had his own son, he was busy working and taking care of his widowed sisters 5 kids. His heart and love for people truly embodied our Heavenly Father's heart for his children. I know that it was no mistake that God led me to pray for the fathers of our family and our nations a few posts back. There is something about praying for our fathers at this time in history. Our father's are under attack, and we need to pray for their protection. We must pray for God to raise up a generation of father's who will embody the heart and mind of our Heavenly Father.

On top of the great service and the reunion with many family members, there was one moment that sticks out to me. As people were getting seated in the chapel before the service, my parents were introducing me to friends and family members I haven't met or haven't seen in a while. There was one introduction that really stood out to me. I know I have met this person before. I think I actually I attended her husband's funeral a couple years ago. But anyway, my dad introduced me to her again. This particular lady was my baby-sitter growing up. When my dad introduced her to me, she began saying something to my dad and those around me in Filipino. I knew what she was saying though. She was telling those around me, "This was the one I use to pray for as baby. This is the one I prayed for." It was such a happy moment for me. I know that there is something so important about knowing your past and knowing your history. In the midst of all the unwanted and dark past, God was showing me a piece of light. There was someone praying for growing up as a little baby. Someone was praying for me to be the man that I am today. That's such a blessing. That is a memory that I will always hold on to. In the midst of death and darkness, I found a memory of life and love.

On another side note, in the midst of the sadness of death. There was also the celebration of life. I think the day before or the day of the funeral service, my aunt and uncle gave birth to a baby daughter. I think it is so awesome to see that happen. I believe that it is definitely a picture of the new life and the new season, God is bringing to my family. God sees our brokenness. He sees the disunity. He sees the pain. But in the midst of that all, he reminds us that there is life, and there is joy. The pain associated with the past runs deep, but there is a new generation arising even within my own family that is going to be part of God's remedy for my family. Not only will this baby and the rest of the younger generation bring healing, through the joy a new baby brings, but this baby and the generation of youth in my family will also rise to the challenge and pray and intercede on behalf of my family.

So one last story about this weekend. Well actually before that. God keeps reminding me of more stuff. So this weekend, I was also blessed with over $100 worth of Bible/Bible study material. While we were at the mall, my cousin randomly offered to buy my brother and I McArthur Study Bibles. Then, today as we were leaving back to go to Phoenix, my uncle decided to give me a new concordance and Bible dictionary that he just bought. He said he hadn't used them much, so he wanted to give them to me. These Bible study tools are so awesome and will be so valuable. They are some of the most premier study tools out there, and God blessed me with all of them in one weekend for free! I know I didn't appreciate them as much in that moment, but how awesome is that! I definitely wasn't expecting that, but I know it is all for a reason.

It's so crazy thinking about this weekend because as I type God is bringing back to memory so much stuff. I know that on the surface it was so frustrating and exhausting. But when I sit back and look at it now, it was so rich and so full of things that God wanted my family and I to experience. I don't think I have even blogged for this long in a while either. It's been like two hours now, and I probably could go on for a lot longer.

But anyway, before we went home today, my Dad wanted to do a brief devotional time and prayer with all my family in the house because we didn't get to go to church today. So he read a passage from the Bible and started sharing. As he started sharing, he became really emotional as he recounted the things of the weekend and the things going on with the family. My dad talked about how like my uncle who lost his father this weekend, my father too had experienced a lot of pain when he lost is own dad because he only knew him on a superficial level. He never knew what a man of God he was, or the profound impact he had on other's lives until he was gone. My dad never got to tell his Dad how much he loved him. As he recounted his past experience, he began to tear up as he shared his heart. It was such a touching moment because I see how my own Dad has grown spiritually in the past few months himself. It is so awesome and so refreshing. I know that I take it for granted so many times. But I know that it has been my own father's prayers and faithfulness that has helped me get to where I am at today.

So after this, my mom asked my brother and I to pray for my family. They asked my brother and I to lay hands on my grandparents and pray for healing for their bodies and safety as they go to the Philippines this weekend. It was really hard for me to pray because like I said this has just been a really frustrating and spiritually dry weekend. I don't know what I prayed or what happened, but I know God used it. The fact that my family prayed together, the fact that they asked me to lay hands and pray for healing, and the fact that we were all there together is telling of God's goodness.

I am beginning to see more fully that I am not the answer to my family's heartbreaks and hardships. I know that God has placed me in my family to pray and intercede on their behalf. But my family doesn't need me; my family needs the transformative power of Jesus and His love. It's so awesome to see how my family looks up to my brother and I for our spiritual journeys and pursuit of the Lord. I know that we have been an encouragement to them. But i know that I need them just as much as they need me, and more significantly, we need Jesus more than anything else in this world. My heart is just as messed up and broken as my family's. Yet it is so crazy to see that God wants to use a broken person like me to pray for and help in the healing process. There is such a long way to go. But it is going to be soo good in the long run.

So anyway, looking back and blogging about it now has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I have seen the roots of my family's brokenness and pain, and in the process of that, I have begun to uncover my own bitterness and hurts. I am wounded in brokenhearted in so many areas. I don't have it together, and I am a pretty messed up and cold individual. I missed so many opportunities where I could have prayed or loved my family and those around me. I should have done things differently. I want to do more things better. I want to love my family. I want be intentional wiht my cousins. I want pray more. I want to write me and practice my musical abilities so I can make music with my family. (My family has so many crazy gifts musically. It is amazing I know that God wants to redeem these qualities for something amazing. I really want to pursue things in music because I feel Gdo has something special for me there too)..... In the midst of all the things I think I should do and things I think need to do, I am drawn back to the heart of it all - I am loved by God. I am God's beloved son, and he genuinely likes me.

On my way up to LA, I was listening to a Jaeson Ma podcast and he was talking about the Father's love for his children. I was reminded that we must see ourselves as the bride of Christ, and we must see God as the bridegoom. We cannot see God as merely a distant figure or authoritarian general. We must see him as a bridegroom and friend who has deep affections for us. Jaeson pointed to 4 things we must remember about our bridegoom God. Our God is a God of abounding mercy. God wants to offer us forgiveness and mercy because when He forgives us, He is glorified. When God forgives us and shows us mercy, He is showing us the full extent of His love. God is not stingy with His love and mercy. He doesn't get mad because we constantly wrong Him and need to come back to Him. Secondly, God is a God of gladness. Most of the time, God is a happy and joyful God. Zepheniah 3:17 talks about how God rejoices over us in gladness; He quiets us in His love, and He exults over is singing. Jaeson talked about how the Greek word for "rejoice" literally means to dance around circles. God dances in circles over us in love. He is so enthralled with us. There is only one thing that makes God angry - that is rebellion. Rebellion is when we know that we are doing something wrong and tell God that we don't care. However, most of the time we do something wrong we don't want to. We make mistakes not out of rebellion but out of immaturity. In our hearts we desire to please God and strive to get it right. God knows our intentions. He knows that we want to get it right, but fall so many times. God is still glad because even in our immaturity, we are running towards God. God is a God of great desire. In Revelation, it talks about how Jesus eyes burned with flames. Jaeson talked about how these flames represented the passion that Jesus has for us. That he loves us so much and as a great desire for us. Then finally, God is a God of great beauty. David was a man after God's own heart because he gazed into the great beauty of the Lord. There was only one thing that David sought after (Psalm 27:4). David longed to be in the presence of God and see His beauty. We must understand and recognize the beauty of the Lord. His beauty is what our heart desires for more than anything else in this world. God loves us and wants us to be drawn to His great beauty.

Hmm....so ya, so much to say, so much to process. It's funny that I started writing this blog not knowing what to say and write and not really wanting to say anything. It's funny that I was planning on sleeping two or three hours ago, but here I am typing away. So ya, that's part 1 of my crazy Great California Adventure. It wasn't filled with crazy in your face God-stuff. But it's always the subtle stuff that is most poignant and powerful. God speaks in a still-small voice not in a huge eartquake anyways. Crazy stuff! I am excited to see what's next. I am in serious need of some resting in Jesus right now though. I'm seriously pooped. Thank God for my friends who have graciously offered to take my prayer shifts tomorrow morning. Wow, it's been a crazy/frustrating weekend. But it is so encouraging and such a blessign to see that God has been there in the midst of it all even though I originally didn't recognize that way!

Dear God,
Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have learned so much this weekend in the hardships and in the pain. i have seen the roots of bitterness, pride, and pain for not only myself but of my family. God, I pray for my family and for the families of those all around the world. God, may the generation you are birthing in the midst of this darkness be your hands and feet in bringing reconcilation to our families. We know that you have a heart for the nations. But even before the nations, you have a heart for individuals. God, I pray that you will riase up this generation of youth who will take back not only the nations, but the families. God bring healing and reconcialiation. We are desperate for a touch from heaven. God may your will be done on earth as itis in heaven. Bring healing to my family. Restore the unity and love that was once there. Restore the wounds in my own heart. I want to surrender all pain and brokenness from the past that keeps me from serving you completely. I give you my heart, and I give you my all Lord Jesus. May I find rest in you tonight. Bless the fathers Lord. Bless the families. Bless the children. God, mend our broken hearts. We are broken vessels, O Lord. Mend us and make us whole. We are nothing without you, Lord. You, alone, are our lone satisfaction. In Jesus Name, Amen!

Holy Laughter

Hahahaha....ahh the Lord is good. I just got back from the 24hr prayer house. I think we are in the third week of 24hr prayer. Monday is always the highlight of my week. Every Monday from 7:00pm - 9:00pm, we have all campus worship. Students from all over the campus come together to worship and pray. It's crazy powerful. Haha the our little chapel gets so packed sometimes there are people standing and worshipping from the outside. Woot! Jesus is good! So anyway, if you can't tell, I'm really hyped up on Jesus right now. It's so awesome how Jesus can take away your burdens and frustrations and fill you with some holy laughter. Man, the joy of the Lord is my strength. So after all campus worship today, one of the main prayer leaders came looking for me and as usual pumped me up with my weekly, Monday dose of Holy Spirit laughter. I'm a sucker every time. But it's soo good to laugh and let lose the hardships of life. We laughed and prayed for so long after the 9:00 service. I'm still laughing hahaha..... mmmm Jesus. hahahaha hahaha. hahaha....God is so good.

Anyway, so we ended up getting in a big circle outside the chapel and people started praying for one another and the holy laughter just started spreading. Hahaha...during the service, one of the prayer leaders gave a cool word from God about how God was setting up traps all around the campus. People would fall into these traps and encounter the love of God. As we were in our circle praying, I was watching people walk by and just started laughing because they were getting trapped in the love of God. There is no escape! Yay! Hahaha.....then we went to the prayer tent on the side of the chapel and did a prayer tunnel where we prayed for one another. Oh, but before that, while we were in our circle we started yelling and declaring freedom and love to the campus. One of my friends walked up to us while we were doing this, and he said that he could hear us from two streets down. haahaha.....oh man. We made a lot of noise tonight. Then after this, we went to the middle of the Hayden Lawn. Our library is underground so we want on top of the lawn where the library was underneath and started praying and declaring the love of God over the campus. As we were there, some fraternity boys passed by and one of the guys went up to them and asked if we could pray for them. Then while we were on the lawn praying and making a lot of noise. A guy on his bike stopped and came and joined us. He was really stressed out and we were able to pray for him. While this was going on, one of the main prayer leaders was praying for someone who just overcame depression through the grace of God and was now breaking down at the awesome presence of God!

Woot! Ya, so now I'm back home recording all the goodness of God. I don't want to let these memories get lost or stolen. But anyhoo, this season of 24 hour prayer has been interesting. I felt called to pray in the morning, so I signed up for the 7am - 9am shift every morning. Gosh, I dont know what I was thinking. But it's been harder than I expected haha. Overall, it has been good, but it is a struggle every morning waking up and it is hard sometimes because I'm usually the only one there. Many days, I have been so tired and restless and not knowing why I'm even awake and in the prayer houses. So many times I have fallen asleep and felt really dumb and embarrassed. Mostly, it has been pretty hard. I'm trying to get more disciplined and give God all areas of my life. But ya I've definitely been struggling with this one. But I know God is working, and I trust that God will one day release his signs and wonders in the morning and midday for all to see His glory. It's hard because since I signed up for the early morning shifts, I can't be there during the night. During the night, crazy things have happened here. There has been crazy deliverance and healing. I mean I got my first prophetic word a year ago during the wee hours of the night. God has truly taken back the night at ASU, and it's hard because I haven't been able to experience that awesomeness in the night. But I know that God has called me to the morning, and the prayers and laboring in the morning will release God's blessings of the night onto the midday!

But anyway, despite the hardships of the morning. I have experienced some pretty cool things. On the first day of 24 hour prayer, I was really excited so I stayed almost 7 hours or something. During that time, I got to pray for a lot of different people. One person in particular came in and started pouring out his soul to one of my friends. I came over and he started telling us how he had really been praying for a child. He hadn't been able to have a child with his wife for 7 years. As he talked he broke down in tears. I read to him 1 Samuel 1 where Hannah prays that God would grant her a child. After I read this to him, we prayed over him, and he broke down even further. It was a powerful moment.

Than a couple of Fridays ago. I had a really strange experience. I was really tired and was just lying on the chairs. As I lay there, the word Joel popped in my head. So, I opened my Bible and started reading Joel, but I was too tired so I put it down and lay down again. While I was laying down, the date 8/16 popped in my head. I was like ookkk....weird. So I looked at my journal and tried to figure out what 8/16 was. After reading through my journal, I realized that 8/16 was the day of the CALL DC. To make things even crazier that day I was wearing my t-shirt that my youth group made for the CALL DC that we held in the church. So in a matter of moments, I realized that the main verses of the CALL is found in Joel, and the CALL DC was held on 8/16 and I was wearing my t-shirt from the CALL DC that my youth group made. If that's not strange enough, that night we were traveling to Prescott for Crusades Fall Retreat. As we were driving, I noticed that there was a Red Moon! The Red Moon instantly reminded me of the book Red Moon Rising which is based on a verse in Joel 2! Weird! Hahaha....hmmm so ya I don't know exactly what all this means. But I'm praying about possibly going to the CALL California on November 1 in San Diego. I talked to one of my friends about it, and he said that there might be some kind of impartation that God has for me there or something. Who knows...but it sure is some exciting stuff! Yay God!

So ya, God has been doing some crazy stuff here. I mean I just look at Epic, and wow, God is on the move. But that's a whole separate post in itself that requires a lot of story-telling and what. I'll leave that for another day. And don't worry I will get to it! Epic has definitely been a highlight in my life at this point and such a blessing from God. I've been meaning to write about it and update lots of people. But I have yet to get to it; but no worries, I will!

Anyhoo, I say all this good stuff because I'm on a Jesus high right now! But that doesn't change the pain and the brokenness that I have felt in the past few weeks and months. I realize that lately I have tried to go so fast and so hard, but I haven't been fully healed and recovered from everything that has happened this summer. Today, I was writing in my journal and expressing to God the pain I felt from losing an important relationship in my life. I thought I had gotten over it, but just when I thought I was strong, I found myself to be really weak. It's been so hard toiling on this campus. It has been so hard praying early in the morning and working hard to see the presence of God move in Epic and at ASU. I've been trying so hard, yet in the midst of that striving, I think I have tried to cover up the pain that I have been feeling. It's hard to admit that I'm weak and vulnerable. It's hard to admit that I don't have it all together. But I'm learning that I must rely fully on God, and I must lean on my brother and sister in Christ that I have here.

Sometimes, I get really frustrated because I feel that people here don't really care and understand me like I have been understood and cared for in the past. I get really frustrated because I feel like over the summer and the few months preceding that my life was on fast forward mode. Coming back to school and the normal routine of things, I feel like my life has come back to normal speed. So what I am experiencing now though in real time, feels like it is in slow motion. I get so frustrated with the people around me. I have tasted and seen what true community and awesome relationship looks like. I have experienced a transformational relationship, and I experienced what it was like to see iron sharpen iron. But in this season, I have had to learn patience. I have had to learn humility. I have had to learn to rely on God and to trust in the community of believers God has surrounded me here. I cannot long to have something or someone I can't have at this time. It hurts a lot, and it's really hard to move on. But that God is working and planning things long term, and I do not want to compromise my future or the future of those who I care about because of my own selfish desires.

I trust that God is working in my life and in the lives of those around me. God is bigger than me. He is bigger than the words that I say. He is bigger than my actions. He is bigger than my knowledge which is so insignificant compared to the depths of His wisdom and understanding. I am in a season right now where I am so needy. I am so needy for love, for attention from the heart of God and the heart of others. I have a hard time giving out and ministering because my soul is desperate need of ministering too. But you know what, I'm okay with that. At least for now, I know that I will continue to struggle with it and have difficult days. There will be days when I cry to express passions that are aching in my soul to those who mean the most to me. But God has placed us where we are for a reason. He has placed us in this time in history for a special reason. God has raised us up to be like Esther "for such a time as this." He has raised us up to be like Daniel to be "resolved" in our hearts to passionately pursue the work of the Lord. We are like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. We are being thrown into the fire with no promise of being brought back together and alive. But we go passionately and fervently into the flames anyway because we know that our God is bigger than anything we can ask for or desire on this earth.

That is the generation that God has called us to be. We are the generation that has been called to lay down a foundation for the future generations. We are the generation that will stand in the gap and throw ourselves headlong into flames not knowing what will happen to us or if we will even come out alive. But we are called to something more than ourselves. We have died to the things of this world. We are dead people walking. When wood is dead, it burns and catches on fire rapidly and easily. We are the catalysts for God's consuming fire for our generation. God, send your down. Bring comfort to our hearts. Burn away anything that keeps us from serving you fully. You are sovereign, O Lord. You are good. I have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea what words to say. I'm in need of your ministering and healing touch to my soul. God will you touch the souls of those around me who are in need of God's restoration and healing!

This prayer goes out to those who I hold dearest to my heart, you know who you are. God, I pray that you would bring healing and restoration to our souls. Awaken a generation to know the depths of your love. I know the hearts of Your children break. But your love knows no bounds! Your love is the glue that holds us together! Your love is the unbreakable bond that will allow nothing to get in between You and those who you love. Your love is greater than any relationship, any material thing. Your love cats out perfect fear! Your love restores our souls! Your love satisfies. God, you did not created us to be a lone. God, you created your people to be in community. I pray that you would raise up a church, a body of believers who would care for one another. I pray that you raise up brothers and sisters who will walk in the fullness of they are in Christ. I pray for those who are hurting deep inside experiencing the loss of those who they hold dearest. God, you bring joy and laughter in the morning. You restore your people and give us new songs. God, in your time, you will exalt us. In your time, you will make all things new. In your time, you will work out all things for the better because we love you and trust you. God, give us a childlike faith. Help us with our unbelief. We believe Lord that you are faithful. We belief Lord that you are just. No matter how long it takes, I know you will bring your plan into full completion. I know that you see things that we cannot see! God, my heart breaks every time I think about what was lost. But God, let us count everything as loss whatever we once gained. God the one thing we desire is to know you! We want to know you! Let us live lives dedicated to one thing. God one thing we desire. We want to know your beauty - to know your presence. Fill us Lord! Fill us Lord! Fill us Lord! You are our lone satisfaction! God, we will go into the fire and hardships of life without doubting the greatness of who you are. Even if we don't' get what we expect, we know that what you offer is greater! God, you have written our love stories because you are our true love! God, first love, first love, first love - bring us back to our first love. You are all we want! You are all we need! May this be the cry of the generation you are rising up in the midst of us. The stories they tell will revitalize this land and be springs of water to our souls. There are stories will be straight from the heart of God. They will be stories of healing, of deliverance, of transformation. This is the year of the Lord's favor. This is the generation God has chosen for me. We need you Jesus! You are all our heart is beating for! In Jesus, might name, Amen.

weak words

Hmm... where to begin. So I haven't blogged in a while. It's kind of weird because I was at a point in my blogging journey, where people were people were reading and commenting on my entries. I know, what am I supposed to expect when I post my thoughts for the whole world to see. I guess I just never thought anyone would really read them or take them seriously. I never thought that in my time of greatest brokenness and pain people would respond and would be encouraged by what I would write. But in the midst of all that, I didn't want to write things for the sake of other people reading them. I don't want to write things to make people laugh, to make people cry, or make people happy for the sake of it. I want to write with the raw emotion that God has placed inside of my heart. Yet, I know that if I focus on trying to write based on people's response, I will lose that passion. And I think some of that happened in this past month or so. Not only did I get busy with school, ministry, and such, but I got lost the urge to write on my blog. I guess part of me didn't think that I had any good stories to tell, and maybe another part of me was just too lazy. The fact is that I do have a lot of good stories to tell, but I think that Satan has tried to rob the joys of the memories away from me.

It's hard for me to expect what to write anymore these days. I think I know what I'm going to say, but nothing really comes out how I expect it. But I guess that's the story of my life these days. But anyway, like I said, I feel as if Satan has tried to rob the joy I have experienced in this season. There have been many ups and downs, but in failing to record them, I have caused myself to focus on the negative things this world. But some interesting things have happened in the past few days that have really drawn me back to what is most important. First of all, today, I found out that two of my great uncles died. My mom told me today after church that my grandpa's brother-in-law died today, and then a few hours later we found out that my grandmother's brother died today as well. It's almost surreal. How and why do things like this happen? My mom told me how she heard about the death of her uncle during Sunday school. She started crying and her kids gathered around her and prayed. My cousin was on the way to a piano recital, but when she heard the news, she broke down and couldn't go to the recital.

I don't understand what's going on these days. I don't know how to feel. I want to feel sad. I want to empathize. But i don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. It's like I'm in shock. My heart breaks for my family, but I don't know how to express it. I don't have any answers. I don't have words of wisdom or comfort to say. I feel like confused, frustrated, and directionless. But in the midst of it all there is hope. Jeremiah 33:3 says, "Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known." I don't want to pretend to have the right words to say anymore. I don't want to have fake empathy or fake wisdom and understanding. I want to know the heart of God. I want to know the pains he experiences when He sees the tears of His children. I want to hunger for God. I want to know His fullness - His character, His love.

Yet, I have tried too hard for too long. I can't do it anymore. I need to stop doing and start being. I think I am suffering from unbelief. Not that I don't' believe in God and what He can do. But I think sometimes I fail to believe that I really am loved for who I am. I think that sometimes I get trapped up in my childish ideology of me, me, me. I look to my own satisfaction and look to gratify my selfish needs. I find myself wanting to do more radical things to please God. I want to fast more; I want to pray more; I want to preach more; I want to see more saved. I want... I want... I want.... Story of my life.... At the end of the day, I realize that I don't even love others for who they are either. So often, I love people for what they do. I love people for being nice to me, recognizing my skills and talents, and for respecting me for who I am. Yet when people step over me, overlook me, and fail to see the fullness of who I am, I get bitter, upset, and annoyed. I love for people for what they do instead of who they are.

I definitely don't want to make this a rant about my frustrations or about my flaws and how I'm not the perfect person. We all have flaws, and God is working on us in different ways. These are things I have struggled with all my life. Instead, I want to return to the days when my hunger for God was more than anything this world could offer. I want to know who I am not by what I do and what I know, but for who I am. I want to love others not for what they can do for me, but by what Christ has done for them and who they are in Christ. I want to burn with a passion that will not fade - a passion that burns in my soul.

Jeremiah 20:9
If I say, "I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name," there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding in it, and I cannot.

I cannot be silent. The passion cannot be contained. There is a volcano inside me waiting to erupt. While my flesh is getting beat up and my body getting weary, my Spirit will not let the passion die out. I cannot stand to see brokenness and pain in my family. Yet in the midst of brokenness and pain, God is near. I pray that in this season. He will bring healing and restoration that is so desperately needed. I pray that He would break off all dissension and bring unity to the family. I pray that He will bring a renewed hunger for the presence and healing touch of God.

I'm so frustrated. I can't stand to see the world settle for anything than the best. We have settled for good and great things, but God wants to give us the best. I can't stand to see the church fail to receive the fullness of God's glory; I can't stand to see families devastated by death; I can't stand to see to campuses mauled by Satan's lies and deception. Yet, in the midst of all this. My own flesh is weak. Like I said, I have tried so hard only to fall short. Because I can't do it. I will never be able to do it. I will never be able to do anything on my own strength. I find myself wearied and tired trying so hard to do things. I hate it. I want to lay it all down, and go back to my first love.

God, I have no rational words to say. I have no words of wisdom or comfort. I am a broken individual. I don't want to be glorified as a super-spiritual person or knowledgeable individual. I don't want anything but more of you. I don't even know what I am writing. I am so tired and confused. I just want more of you. Help me to rest in the light of who you are. I want to have all of you for all of me. I want to love the way you love. But most of all I want to know you Lord. If that's all I do for the rest of my life. I want to know you. I don't want to get starry-eyed and blinded by material success and satisfaction. I want to be satisfied by you and you alone. I don't want to do things to please other people. I want to give you glory in all I say and do. I want to be dead to the things of this world. I don't want to say, "I want" to selfish desires any longer.

God, I pray that you would bring healing to my family. In the midst of brokenness and pain, I pray that you would bring your healing touch. God, I pray not only for my family, but all families that are experiencing division and strife. Will you break off the spirit of disunity and pride? Will you send your Holy Spirit and bring salvation to households and families all across the globe? God your heart aches for the families. Your desire is to see the hearts of the fathers drawn back to the children, and the hearts of the children to the fathers. God, there is so much pain going on right now. So many children who have experienced abuse and neglect from their fathers. It is so difficult to think about losing my own father. But the reality is that today, two families have last their fathers. God, forgive me for being so selfish. Forgive this generation of youth who have turned their backs on their fathers. Forgive this generation of fathers who have turned their back on their kids. Forgive me for not praying for my father, not not loving Him more, for not showing him that I care.

God, I pray that you restore the relationships between fathers and their children. I pray that in the midst of this pain in my family, you will restore the those who have lost their fathers. I pray that you will heal father-child relationships within my family and those all around the world. God, I know that in this moment of pain, you have called me to intercession for father's and children. With the elections coming in less than the month, the issue of abortion looms large. We cannot afford to see more children lost, more children abandoned. God, may you reveal your Father's heart to your people. May you raise up the church to love as you have loved your bride. God raise up a generation of men who will know and share your Father's heart. We pray for a Father's blessing over all those who have been hurt and been abused.

God, pour out your Spirit. Show your mercy and love on a hurting generation. God, may the deaths of my two great-uncles be a wake up call to my family to see the importance of their fathers - most of all the importance of their Heavenly Father. God, may we no longer look to you as an elusive, and unseen God. May we see you as Abba, Father who cherishes us as beloved sons and daughters. May our hearts burn with a passion that cannot be contained. God, will you raise up a generation of fathers who love their children. We pray not only for the older fathers, but also the teenage fathers. We pray for the teenage fathers who have impregnated their girlfriends. We pray for those teenagers who are filled with shame and guilt. May you not forsake them. May our church not forsake them. May the church have its eyes opened to see the need. We need restoration of men in America God. We need men who will love their wives. We need men who will love their children. We need men who will stand up for what is right. We need men who will say no to the legitimate pleasures of the word, for the extreme pleasures of knowing God.

God, we need men who will be protectors. We need men who will protect their wives, their children, their families. We need men who will protect the sanctity of life. We need men who will stand in the gap. We need men who will pray for their mothers and for their sisters. God, I pray that you will raise up a generation of men who will honor their wives and will lift up their sisters. God, forgive us men, who have looked lustfully at our sisters, who have led them astray, and have abused them physically, emotionally, and sexually. Forgive us for overlooking our sisters and degrading their roles in your kingdom. God, may we see a day when men will recognize their strength and empower women to know their voice. May men and women together complement one another in the way you have destined them to be.

God restore the families! Restore the fathers! Restore the Children! God, we need you! We are desperate for you! Our hearts burn for a fresh, new encounter with you. We cannot stand to see sexual immorality, we cannot stand to see abortion, we cannot stand to see your name defamed. We want to lift you name on high as banner that flies across this land. God, take back this nation. Take back this generation. Return us back to our first love! God, we want to know and fulfil your Great Commandment because without your Great Commandment, we will never fulfill the Great Commission. God, lovers outwork workers. May we never strive under our own strength and volition, may we move by the understanding of your love. May we be human beings and not human doings. God, make us desperate for you. Make us hungrier for your presence in our lives. God, may we never be content until the entire earth is saturated in your glory. May we be completely satisfied in your presence, but utterly dissatisfied with the condition of the world. We pray for our fathers, we pray for our families, we pray for our nation. We pray for the children. Bring the prodigals home! You love them soo much father! You delight over them in singing. Wreck us in your love. We need you! We need you! We need you!

God, my words are so weak. Yet your presence and your love is so strong. All we need is you Jesus. You are all that our heart and soul longs for. Satisfy our thirsty souls, Jesus. Satisfy our thirsty souls! May, you raise up a generation of fathers that are thirsty for you. Raise us a generation of children who are lovesick for you. Heal the broken hearts and restore broken relationships. God, humble my heart. May I never forget that all I have is in you. You are my rock, my fortress, my shield, my deliverer. God, bless your people and have favor upon this nation and this generation. Turn our hearts back to you, O Lord. We are thirsty. We are thirsty. We are thirsty. Lead us beside your still waters. Restore our souls with your Living Water. You alone are our satisfaction. We will rest in you, Lord. Bless our weary and heartbroken souls. We love because you first loved us. Thank you, Abba Father. Thank you! You are so welcomed here! Pour out your love and mercy! In Jesus Name, Amen.