weak words

Hmm... where to begin. So I haven't blogged in a while. It's kind of weird because I was at a point in my blogging journey, where people were people were reading and commenting on my entries. I know, what am I supposed to expect when I post my thoughts for the whole world to see. I guess I just never thought anyone would really read them or take them seriously. I never thought that in my time of greatest brokenness and pain people would respond and would be encouraged by what I would write. But in the midst of all that, I didn't want to write things for the sake of other people reading them. I don't want to write things to make people laugh, to make people cry, or make people happy for the sake of it. I want to write with the raw emotion that God has placed inside of my heart. Yet, I know that if I focus on trying to write based on people's response, I will lose that passion. And I think some of that happened in this past month or so. Not only did I get busy with school, ministry, and such, but I got lost the urge to write on my blog. I guess part of me didn't think that I had any good stories to tell, and maybe another part of me was just too lazy. The fact is that I do have a lot of good stories to tell, but I think that Satan has tried to rob the joys of the memories away from me.

It's hard for me to expect what to write anymore these days. I think I know what I'm going to say, but nothing really comes out how I expect it. But I guess that's the story of my life these days. But anyway, like I said, I feel as if Satan has tried to rob the joy I have experienced in this season. There have been many ups and downs, but in failing to record them, I have caused myself to focus on the negative things this world. But some interesting things have happened in the past few days that have really drawn me back to what is most important. First of all, today, I found out that two of my great uncles died. My mom told me today after church that my grandpa's brother-in-law died today, and then a few hours later we found out that my grandmother's brother died today as well. It's almost surreal. How and why do things like this happen? My mom told me how she heard about the death of her uncle during Sunday school. She started crying and her kids gathered around her and prayed. My cousin was on the way to a piano recital, but when she heard the news, she broke down and couldn't go to the recital.

I don't understand what's going on these days. I don't know how to feel. I want to feel sad. I want to empathize. But i don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. It's like I'm in shock. My heart breaks for my family, but I don't know how to express it. I don't have any answers. I don't have words of wisdom or comfort to say. I feel like confused, frustrated, and directionless. But in the midst of it all there is hope. Jeremiah 33:3 says, "Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known." I don't want to pretend to have the right words to say anymore. I don't want to have fake empathy or fake wisdom and understanding. I want to know the heart of God. I want to know the pains he experiences when He sees the tears of His children. I want to hunger for God. I want to know His fullness - His character, His love.

Yet, I have tried too hard for too long. I can't do it anymore. I need to stop doing and start being. I think I am suffering from unbelief. Not that I don't' believe in God and what He can do. But I think sometimes I fail to believe that I really am loved for who I am. I think that sometimes I get trapped up in my childish ideology of me, me, me. I look to my own satisfaction and look to gratify my selfish needs. I find myself wanting to do more radical things to please God. I want to fast more; I want to pray more; I want to preach more; I want to see more saved. I want... I want... I want.... Story of my life.... At the end of the day, I realize that I don't even love others for who they are either. So often, I love people for what they do. I love people for being nice to me, recognizing my skills and talents, and for respecting me for who I am. Yet when people step over me, overlook me, and fail to see the fullness of who I am, I get bitter, upset, and annoyed. I love for people for what they do instead of who they are.

I definitely don't want to make this a rant about my frustrations or about my flaws and how I'm not the perfect person. We all have flaws, and God is working on us in different ways. These are things I have struggled with all my life. Instead, I want to return to the days when my hunger for God was more than anything this world could offer. I want to know who I am not by what I do and what I know, but for who I am. I want to love others not for what they can do for me, but by what Christ has done for them and who they are in Christ. I want to burn with a passion that will not fade - a passion that burns in my soul.

Jeremiah 20:9
If I say, "I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name," there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding in it, and I cannot.

I cannot be silent. The passion cannot be contained. There is a volcano inside me waiting to erupt. While my flesh is getting beat up and my body getting weary, my Spirit will not let the passion die out. I cannot stand to see brokenness and pain in my family. Yet in the midst of brokenness and pain, God is near. I pray that in this season. He will bring healing and restoration that is so desperately needed. I pray that He would break off all dissension and bring unity to the family. I pray that He will bring a renewed hunger for the presence and healing touch of God.

I'm so frustrated. I can't stand to see the world settle for anything than the best. We have settled for good and great things, but God wants to give us the best. I can't stand to see the church fail to receive the fullness of God's glory; I can't stand to see families devastated by death; I can't stand to see to campuses mauled by Satan's lies and deception. Yet, in the midst of all this. My own flesh is weak. Like I said, I have tried so hard only to fall short. Because I can't do it. I will never be able to do it. I will never be able to do anything on my own strength. I find myself wearied and tired trying so hard to do things. I hate it. I want to lay it all down, and go back to my first love.

God, I have no rational words to say. I have no words of wisdom or comfort. I am a broken individual. I don't want to be glorified as a super-spiritual person or knowledgeable individual. I don't want anything but more of you. I don't even know what I am writing. I am so tired and confused. I just want more of you. Help me to rest in the light of who you are. I want to have all of you for all of me. I want to love the way you love. But most of all I want to know you Lord. If that's all I do for the rest of my life. I want to know you. I don't want to get starry-eyed and blinded by material success and satisfaction. I want to be satisfied by you and you alone. I don't want to do things to please other people. I want to give you glory in all I say and do. I want to be dead to the things of this world. I don't want to say, "I want" to selfish desires any longer.

God, I pray that you would bring healing to my family. In the midst of brokenness and pain, I pray that you would bring your healing touch. God, I pray not only for my family, but all families that are experiencing division and strife. Will you break off the spirit of disunity and pride? Will you send your Holy Spirit and bring salvation to households and families all across the globe? God your heart aches for the families. Your desire is to see the hearts of the fathers drawn back to the children, and the hearts of the children to the fathers. God, there is so much pain going on right now. So many children who have experienced abuse and neglect from their fathers. It is so difficult to think about losing my own father. But the reality is that today, two families have last their fathers. God, forgive me for being so selfish. Forgive this generation of youth who have turned their backs on their fathers. Forgive this generation of fathers who have turned their back on their kids. Forgive me for not praying for my father, not not loving Him more, for not showing him that I care.

God, I pray that you restore the relationships between fathers and their children. I pray that in the midst of this pain in my family, you will restore the those who have lost their fathers. I pray that you will heal father-child relationships within my family and those all around the world. God, I know that in this moment of pain, you have called me to intercession for father's and children. With the elections coming in less than the month, the issue of abortion looms large. We cannot afford to see more children lost, more children abandoned. God, may you reveal your Father's heart to your people. May you raise up the church to love as you have loved your bride. God raise up a generation of men who will know and share your Father's heart. We pray for a Father's blessing over all those who have been hurt and been abused.

God, pour out your Spirit. Show your mercy and love on a hurting generation. God, may the deaths of my two great-uncles be a wake up call to my family to see the importance of their fathers - most of all the importance of their Heavenly Father. God, may we no longer look to you as an elusive, and unseen God. May we see you as Abba, Father who cherishes us as beloved sons and daughters. May our hearts burn with a passion that cannot be contained. God, will you raise up a generation of fathers who love their children. We pray not only for the older fathers, but also the teenage fathers. We pray for the teenage fathers who have impregnated their girlfriends. We pray for those teenagers who are filled with shame and guilt. May you not forsake them. May our church not forsake them. May the church have its eyes opened to see the need. We need restoration of men in America God. We need men who will love their wives. We need men who will love their children. We need men who will stand up for what is right. We need men who will say no to the legitimate pleasures of the word, for the extreme pleasures of knowing God.

God, we need men who will be protectors. We need men who will protect their wives, their children, their families. We need men who will protect the sanctity of life. We need men who will stand in the gap. We need men who will pray for their mothers and for their sisters. God, I pray that you will raise up a generation of men who will honor their wives and will lift up their sisters. God, forgive us men, who have looked lustfully at our sisters, who have led them astray, and have abused them physically, emotionally, and sexually. Forgive us for overlooking our sisters and degrading their roles in your kingdom. God, may we see a day when men will recognize their strength and empower women to know their voice. May men and women together complement one another in the way you have destined them to be.

God restore the families! Restore the fathers! Restore the Children! God, we need you! We are desperate for you! Our hearts burn for a fresh, new encounter with you. We cannot stand to see sexual immorality, we cannot stand to see abortion, we cannot stand to see your name defamed. We want to lift you name on high as banner that flies across this land. God, take back this nation. Take back this generation. Return us back to our first love! God, we want to know and fulfil your Great Commandment because without your Great Commandment, we will never fulfill the Great Commission. God, lovers outwork workers. May we never strive under our own strength and volition, may we move by the understanding of your love. May we be human beings and not human doings. God, make us desperate for you. Make us hungrier for your presence in our lives. God, may we never be content until the entire earth is saturated in your glory. May we be completely satisfied in your presence, but utterly dissatisfied with the condition of the world. We pray for our fathers, we pray for our families, we pray for our nation. We pray for the children. Bring the prodigals home! You love them soo much father! You delight over them in singing. Wreck us in your love. We need you! We need you! We need you!

God, my words are so weak. Yet your presence and your love is so strong. All we need is you Jesus. You are all that our heart and soul longs for. Satisfy our thirsty souls, Jesus. Satisfy our thirsty souls! May, you raise up a generation of fathers that are thirsty for you. Raise us a generation of children who are lovesick for you. Heal the broken hearts and restore broken relationships. God, humble my heart. May I never forget that all I have is in you. You are my rock, my fortress, my shield, my deliverer. God, bless your people and have favor upon this nation and this generation. Turn our hearts back to you, O Lord. We are thirsty. We are thirsty. We are thirsty. Lead us beside your still waters. Restore our souls with your Living Water. You alone are our satisfaction. We will rest in you, Lord. Bless our weary and heartbroken souls. We love because you first loved us. Thank you, Abba Father. Thank you! You are so welcomed here! Pour out your love and mercy! In Jesus Name, Amen.