The Great California Adventure Part 1

So I just finished part 1 of my Great California Adventure. I got back to my dorm from Los Angeles at around 8pm or so. It's been a pretty long drive/weekend/day.... and it's only part 1. Hmm... I wonder what else is in store. In case you haven't heard, I am embarking on 3 weekend adventure to California for the next three weekends which I started this weekend. I went to Los Angeles this weekend for a funeral. Next, weekend I am going to CalState Fullerton to Friendship Games, a big Filipino field day kind of thing with the Filipino organization at ASU. And the weekend after that, I am going to TheCall in San Diego. I am pooped at this point. I really don't want to write or think about anything right now. But I know that God has something for me in California that I need to really sit down and reflect upon. So where to begin...

Well, before I get all serious and reflect on the events of the weekend, I want to talk about the more fun and lighter stuff of my Great California Adventure and reminisce a bit. Haha, before I go any further, can I say that half of the fun of this California Adventure is the name itself. It reminds of my Disneyland and California Adventure. Haha...the last time my family and I went to California Adventure was a few years ago. My cousin and I rode the Mickey Mouse Roller Coaster at California Adventure like 7 times in a row because there were no lines! It was great! I really like roller coasters. Speaking of roller coasters, that reminds of the time I went to Six Flags. I really wanted to ride this really big roller coaster called Goliath. If the name doesn't give it a way, it was quite a giant of a roller coaster. So long story short, I really wanted to ride it, but no one else would come with me because all my younger cousins were too scared. So ya, I definitely went on Goliath and slayed him all by my lonesome. I have a picture to prove it too just in case you don't believe me. So back to my California Adventure story, so my cousin and I rode the roller coaster and other fun rides, and my brother, who was quite scared at the time, rode dumbo and the Ferris wheel with my little cousins. Haha, oh I love my bro. That was hilarious though.

Another time, I went to Disneyland, my cousin was trying to be really cool and navigate his way through people and stay ahead of us as we exited the park. However, while we were walking out, I saw a candy store, and I really wanted to stop and get some candy. Plus, I kind of wanted to spite my cousin because he was being a jerk and trying to get out before us. So the rest of my family stopped and got some candy, while my cousin continued roaming forward with the rest of the mass of people exiting the park. Well as you can imagine, I was very happy to get some candy - I have a pretty crazy sweet tooth! But, my cousin was long gone and nowhere to be found. This was before the days when all kids had cell phones at the age 0f 7 like they do today. We didn't have cell phones. So we had to go all over Disneyland and the parking lot looking for my cousin. Well fast forward a few hours later after the park is closed and stuff, we find my cousin huddled up and crying with the rest of the little kids at the Lost and Found. Haha, my teenage cousin was at the Lost and Found of the Disneyland with all the little kids. I know its kind of sad in reality. But funny to think about it now. We have ragged him about it for a while.

So ya, those are bad Disneyland experiences for my cousin and brother, so what about me? Haha....well, you should never have asked. Haha, so one time we were at Disneyland, and we stopped to get some frozen lemonade at a vendor. It was my me and my three cousins as usual my brother was with little cousins getting his Dumbo on. So we were in line getting some lemonade, and there were three girls in front of us who were about my age. They turn around ask me my name and where I am from. Me, of course, being suave and nonchalant replied, "I'm Carl, and I from Roswell, NM" (I used to live in Roswell, just in case you didnt catch that). I don't know how old I was back then maybe somewhere between 14-16. But anyway, these girls were totally hitting on me. They were like, "oh cool, I have never met anyone from New Mexico. Can we take your picture?" Ya, I know totally random, but this really happened. I promise. I vividly remember this because these things don't happen to me very often haha. You can ask my cousins. So anyway, I was a total noob. I didn't know how to respond to a girl or really do anything constructive whatsoever. What was a moment of opportunity, just became an awkward moment of.... I dont even know what to call it. So we exchanged some small talk and went on our own ways. But ya that was a funny moment. So fast forward to a couple hours later. My cousins and I are walking around Disneyland, and they see the girls who talked to me. They point them out to me, and I try to play it off like I'm cool and don't seem them. You know, I was just trying to be suave about it and say to myself like "whatever, girls...pft that happens to me all the time (but inside I am like OMG, what the heck is going on?! Disneyland is freakin legit, Woot! Let's go here every day!) Because I was trying to play it off and be cool, my cousins decided to be jerks and yell really loudly, "Carl, to your right, to your right!" They were so loud and obnoxious. I think the girls saw us and just started laughing. Anyway, that was really embarrassing and my cousins make fun of about that all time.

I don't know if that's really funny to anyone else, but my cousins and I get a kick out of our Disneyland stories all the time. We like to remember our stories of shared joy and embarrassment. Haha, so anyway... I'm not really sure what the point of all that was. I think I was just trying to connect my past California Adventures to this one. I really do feel like God has something He wants to show me in these next few weeks. I think there is something about going to my roots and digging up something there. I was born in Los Angeles California and go there to visit my family often. It's like my second home. So ya, I guess that's just kind of a preface for the next few posts about my California Adventure.

So back to the events of this weekend. Some of my highlights as usual was hanging out with cousins. I love hanging out with my family so much whether it is the family on my mom's side or dad's side. We are all around the same age, and it's always so much fun. My family is so talented and skilled in music and different stuff. I feel like I need to step up my game when I am around them. We went to Yogurt Land on Saturday! That place is bomb! Bomb Bomb Bomb. MMMM....I love Yogurt Land. Ever since I was introduced to the wonders of Yogurt Land by my Epic homeboys and homegirls, I have been a fan ever since. I used to thnk Pinkberry was bomb, but Pinkberry got's nothing on Yogurt Land. Haha, sorry I am just really passionate about frozen yogurt and dessert in general. Ask anybody who went with me to Japan. Then, we hung out at the mall walked around some stores and went to In and Out. While we were walking around the mall, we totally got carded by some cop. The cop stopped us and asked us how old we were because if we were under 18 there was a curfew and we had to go home. My cousins started showing their IDs. One was seventeen but the others were 18 and one of my cousins was 24. The cop asked me how old I was. When I told him I was 21, he kind of laughed like I was joking. But eventually, he got the drift and told us we were ok. It was kind of funny because we look young because of our Asianness. But whatever, it's all good.

So I feel like I'm just telling a bunch of random stories that don't make any sense. But whatever, it's my blog, so I do what I want. I guess they are all kind of a release for me and part of the process of remembering. I feel like I really need to look into the past and see what God has been doing and what he wants to reveal to me. It's nice to think about the joy and innocence I shared with my cousins back in the day. A lot has changed since then, but my family has been such an important part of life. So going back this weekend was like business as usual. But in the midst of that, a lot has changed.

First of all, I was in LA for a funeral. Crazy as it seems, this has been the first time I have ever been to a funeral for someone I was closely related to. So ya, I don't really know how to feel about that. On the surface, I am fine. I wanted to feel empathy and understand the pain that my family was going through, but in many ways, I couldn't relate. It was really hard for me to truly feel emotions to the loss of my great uncle because I found that many of my childhood memories with him have been forgotten. This is something that really has been bugging me the last few days. How have I forgotten so many memories of the past that I have had with special loved ones? To make things even interesting, my brother reminded me and my family that the last time we were in LA, we didn't visit this particular uncle because we were too tired. Gosh, I feel like such a jerk sometimes.

I guess that's another thing I learned this weekend. I found myself seeing a lot of the roots and inadequacies of my life over this past weekend. I failed to seize opportunities when I could have. I was impatient and got flustered by some peoples responses and actions. I was exhausted and even kind of fell asleep during the funeral service. I didn't have intentional spiritual conversations with my family and cousins yet again. I found myself getting kind of angry when asked to do things. And one thing that really bugs me about myself, I find myself getting kind of annoyed when my family decides to do devotions together. I don't know what it is. The fact that my family is willing to pray together is awesome! It's not like I get really angry or have a temper or anything. But whenever I am with my family, I find myself retorting to a lot of bad habits and personality traits that I don't normally portray or possess on a daily basis. I got really frustrated with myself this weekend because I saw a lot of parts of the old me. I saw a lot of parts that still need a lot of healing and lot of work on.

To go along with this, I began to also see the root of a lot of my families hardships and division. I found out a lot of things that are heartbreaking and eye-opening to the great spiritual warfare that is going on in my family. I never fully realized the extent of the pain that was occurring. But the wounds are huge. They are unbearable. They hurt me to even think about. I saw not only the roots of my own personal struggle, but I saw where those roots came from my family. My entire extended family used to be so close and loving, but something happened that has broken that unity a part. These type of situations have happened in both of my families. It was crazy because for the first time in years, I saw family members that I used to see on a yearly basis. But it was so sad that the moment that brought us together was the death of the family members.

Anyway, you can see that this weekend though having some traces of fun was not all fun and games. This was a very frustrating weekend for me. It started off pretty bad when I stayed up all night Thursday writing a midterm than being really tired during the funeral after driving up the day before. Then there was the whole sadness associated with the funeral. Then in the background was the looming pain of my extended family as a whole. On top of that are the current struggles of the people around living in the same house. There were many stories. And I was in no condition to really soak up what was going on. In many ways, I felt kind of bad because I couldn't really minister to my family in the ways that I may have wanted to. Not that I necessarily could have or should have done anything, but I know there were many missed opportunities and moments where I could have been more intentional. But enough of the should have or could have. What happened, happened. I can't change the past, and don't want to. I know that God did something special there. And I know that just as much as my family is in need of healing, I am right there with them.

But there were some bright spots in the midst of the frustrations. Like I said, our family got together for the first time in many years, and I got to see and spend some time with people I haven't seen in a long time. I know that even though I didn't feel like I was doing anything, and I feel like I could have done more, God used me in those situations whether it was just a smile, a hug, or a hello. God has definitely begun the healing process. The funeral service went pretty well. My great uncle was an amazing man of God, and so I while there were emotional moments, overall it was a celebration of the promotion of a great man of God. I learned a lot about my great uncle. He was a great singer and a compassionate man of God. He delayed getting married until his 40s or so because before he had his own son, he was busy working and taking care of his widowed sisters 5 kids. His heart and love for people truly embodied our Heavenly Father's heart for his children. I know that it was no mistake that God led me to pray for the fathers of our family and our nations a few posts back. There is something about praying for our fathers at this time in history. Our father's are under attack, and we need to pray for their protection. We must pray for God to raise up a generation of father's who will embody the heart and mind of our Heavenly Father.

On top of the great service and the reunion with many family members, there was one moment that sticks out to me. As people were getting seated in the chapel before the service, my parents were introducing me to friends and family members I haven't met or haven't seen in a while. There was one introduction that really stood out to me. I know I have met this person before. I think I actually I attended her husband's funeral a couple years ago. But anyway, my dad introduced me to her again. This particular lady was my baby-sitter growing up. When my dad introduced her to me, she began saying something to my dad and those around me in Filipino. I knew what she was saying though. She was telling those around me, "This was the one I use to pray for as baby. This is the one I prayed for." It was such a happy moment for me. I know that there is something so important about knowing your past and knowing your history. In the midst of all the unwanted and dark past, God was showing me a piece of light. There was someone praying for growing up as a little baby. Someone was praying for me to be the man that I am today. That's such a blessing. That is a memory that I will always hold on to. In the midst of death and darkness, I found a memory of life and love.

On another side note, in the midst of the sadness of death. There was also the celebration of life. I think the day before or the day of the funeral service, my aunt and uncle gave birth to a baby daughter. I think it is so awesome to see that happen. I believe that it is definitely a picture of the new life and the new season, God is bringing to my family. God sees our brokenness. He sees the disunity. He sees the pain. But in the midst of that all, he reminds us that there is life, and there is joy. The pain associated with the past runs deep, but there is a new generation arising even within my own family that is going to be part of God's remedy for my family. Not only will this baby and the rest of the younger generation bring healing, through the joy a new baby brings, but this baby and the generation of youth in my family will also rise to the challenge and pray and intercede on behalf of my family.

So one last story about this weekend. Well actually before that. God keeps reminding me of more stuff. So this weekend, I was also blessed with over $100 worth of Bible/Bible study material. While we were at the mall, my cousin randomly offered to buy my brother and I McArthur Study Bibles. Then, today as we were leaving back to go to Phoenix, my uncle decided to give me a new concordance and Bible dictionary that he just bought. He said he hadn't used them much, so he wanted to give them to me. These Bible study tools are so awesome and will be so valuable. They are some of the most premier study tools out there, and God blessed me with all of them in one weekend for free! I know I didn't appreciate them as much in that moment, but how awesome is that! I definitely wasn't expecting that, but I know it is all for a reason.

It's so crazy thinking about this weekend because as I type God is bringing back to memory so much stuff. I know that on the surface it was so frustrating and exhausting. But when I sit back and look at it now, it was so rich and so full of things that God wanted my family and I to experience. I don't think I have even blogged for this long in a while either. It's been like two hours now, and I probably could go on for a lot longer.

But anyway, before we went home today, my Dad wanted to do a brief devotional time and prayer with all my family in the house because we didn't get to go to church today. So he read a passage from the Bible and started sharing. As he started sharing, he became really emotional as he recounted the things of the weekend and the things going on with the family. My dad talked about how like my uncle who lost his father this weekend, my father too had experienced a lot of pain when he lost is own dad because he only knew him on a superficial level. He never knew what a man of God he was, or the profound impact he had on other's lives until he was gone. My dad never got to tell his Dad how much he loved him. As he recounted his past experience, he began to tear up as he shared his heart. It was such a touching moment because I see how my own Dad has grown spiritually in the past few months himself. It is so awesome and so refreshing. I know that I take it for granted so many times. But I know that it has been my own father's prayers and faithfulness that has helped me get to where I am at today.

So after this, my mom asked my brother and I to pray for my family. They asked my brother and I to lay hands on my grandparents and pray for healing for their bodies and safety as they go to the Philippines this weekend. It was really hard for me to pray because like I said this has just been a really frustrating and spiritually dry weekend. I don't know what I prayed or what happened, but I know God used it. The fact that my family prayed together, the fact that they asked me to lay hands and pray for healing, and the fact that we were all there together is telling of God's goodness.

I am beginning to see more fully that I am not the answer to my family's heartbreaks and hardships. I know that God has placed me in my family to pray and intercede on their behalf. But my family doesn't need me; my family needs the transformative power of Jesus and His love. It's so awesome to see how my family looks up to my brother and I for our spiritual journeys and pursuit of the Lord. I know that we have been an encouragement to them. But i know that I need them just as much as they need me, and more significantly, we need Jesus more than anything else in this world. My heart is just as messed up and broken as my family's. Yet it is so crazy to see that God wants to use a broken person like me to pray for and help in the healing process. There is such a long way to go. But it is going to be soo good in the long run.

So anyway, looking back and blogging about it now has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I have seen the roots of my family's brokenness and pain, and in the process of that, I have begun to uncover my own bitterness and hurts. I am wounded in brokenhearted in so many areas. I don't have it together, and I am a pretty messed up and cold individual. I missed so many opportunities where I could have prayed or loved my family and those around me. I should have done things differently. I want to do more things better. I want to love my family. I want be intentional wiht my cousins. I want pray more. I want to write me and practice my musical abilities so I can make music with my family. (My family has so many crazy gifts musically. It is amazing I know that God wants to redeem these qualities for something amazing. I really want to pursue things in music because I feel Gdo has something special for me there too)..... In the midst of all the things I think I should do and things I think need to do, I am drawn back to the heart of it all - I am loved by God. I am God's beloved son, and he genuinely likes me.

On my way up to LA, I was listening to a Jaeson Ma podcast and he was talking about the Father's love for his children. I was reminded that we must see ourselves as the bride of Christ, and we must see God as the bridegoom. We cannot see God as merely a distant figure or authoritarian general. We must see him as a bridegroom and friend who has deep affections for us. Jaeson pointed to 4 things we must remember about our bridegoom God. Our God is a God of abounding mercy. God wants to offer us forgiveness and mercy because when He forgives us, He is glorified. When God forgives us and shows us mercy, He is showing us the full extent of His love. God is not stingy with His love and mercy. He doesn't get mad because we constantly wrong Him and need to come back to Him. Secondly, God is a God of gladness. Most of the time, God is a happy and joyful God. Zepheniah 3:17 talks about how God rejoices over us in gladness; He quiets us in His love, and He exults over is singing. Jaeson talked about how the Greek word for "rejoice" literally means to dance around circles. God dances in circles over us in love. He is so enthralled with us. There is only one thing that makes God angry - that is rebellion. Rebellion is when we know that we are doing something wrong and tell God that we don't care. However, most of the time we do something wrong we don't want to. We make mistakes not out of rebellion but out of immaturity. In our hearts we desire to please God and strive to get it right. God knows our intentions. He knows that we want to get it right, but fall so many times. God is still glad because even in our immaturity, we are running towards God. God is a God of great desire. In Revelation, it talks about how Jesus eyes burned with flames. Jaeson talked about how these flames represented the passion that Jesus has for us. That he loves us so much and as a great desire for us. Then finally, God is a God of great beauty. David was a man after God's own heart because he gazed into the great beauty of the Lord. There was only one thing that David sought after (Psalm 27:4). David longed to be in the presence of God and see His beauty. We must understand and recognize the beauty of the Lord. His beauty is what our heart desires for more than anything else in this world. God loves us and wants us to be drawn to His great beauty.

Hmm....so ya, so much to say, so much to process. It's funny that I started writing this blog not knowing what to say and write and not really wanting to say anything. It's funny that I was planning on sleeping two or three hours ago, but here I am typing away. So ya, that's part 1 of my crazy Great California Adventure. It wasn't filled with crazy in your face God-stuff. But it's always the subtle stuff that is most poignant and powerful. God speaks in a still-small voice not in a huge eartquake anyways. Crazy stuff! I am excited to see what's next. I am in serious need of some resting in Jesus right now though. I'm seriously pooped. Thank God for my friends who have graciously offered to take my prayer shifts tomorrow morning. Wow, it's been a crazy/frustrating weekend. But it is so encouraging and such a blessign to see that God has been there in the midst of it all even though I originally didn't recognize that way!

Dear God,
Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have learned so much this weekend in the hardships and in the pain. i have seen the roots of bitterness, pride, and pain for not only myself but of my family. God, I pray for my family and for the families of those all around the world. God, may the generation you are birthing in the midst of this darkness be your hands and feet in bringing reconcilation to our families. We know that you have a heart for the nations. But even before the nations, you have a heart for individuals. God, I pray that you will riase up this generation of youth who will take back not only the nations, but the families. God bring healing and reconcialiation. We are desperate for a touch from heaven. God may your will be done on earth as itis in heaven. Bring healing to my family. Restore the unity and love that was once there. Restore the wounds in my own heart. I want to surrender all pain and brokenness from the past that keeps me from serving you completely. I give you my heart, and I give you my all Lord Jesus. May I find rest in you tonight. Bless the fathers Lord. Bless the families. Bless the children. God, mend our broken hearts. We are broken vessels, O Lord. Mend us and make us whole. We are nothing without you, Lord. You, alone, are our lone satisfaction. In Jesus Name, Amen!