Reflections on my journey... PART 1

So I know I have a lot to catch up on, and I haven't blogged in a while. But I wanted to take some time to reflect on my journey in this past couple of months. Since it's Valentine's Day today, I thought it would be a great time to reflect on this crazy paradigm shift I am currently experiencing, and this new understanding of love. I will try to finish my winter break stories as soon as I can, but for now, here is a two part reflection on my past couple of months...

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So it's Valentine's Day today! For the first time in my life I can actually say I have a Valentine even though she is thousands of miles away from me. It really is a good feeling to know that you have someone you can talk to, share your life with, and grow with. It has been a big shift in my life, and as I sit here on Valentines Day thinking about my special Valentine, my thoughts bring me back to remember how I even got to this part of my journey.

For the past year, I have been radically pursuing Christ and desiring to have a greater revelation of His love. I gave away my best clothes, I helped pioneer simple churches, I went on an extended fast, I prayed everyday, I went on a mission trip and saw people come to Christ, I have been to the most spirit-filled conferences.... It has been an amazing experience. I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything. They really have helped open my eyes to the things of God. But something wasn't quite right. I got to a point where I was completely disillusioned with the church. I had been frustrated with the conservative church for a while because I was longing to see the power of God made known there, but then over winter break, I got increasingly frustrated with the charismatic church as well because I always felt like I had to have a spiritual experience their. I got so frustrated and bitter towards the church, and I was pretty angry at a lot of things.

But in the midst of all those frustrations, God was doing something in my heart. I had got to a point in my walk with God that I was developing this deep intimacy. I was willing to do whatever it took to know more of God. If it meant being celibate and single my entire life, I was willing to do it. I wanted to set my life completely before God and have him set me a part to do His will. Like I said, I was fasting, praying, and denying myself. I really wanted Jesus! In those times, I experienced the manifest presence of the Holy Spirit in ways like I never have before. I sought to delight in God with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind. I saw the things of this world as temporary and fleeting, so why would I waste my time on them. I was so radically on fire for Jesus. And don't get me wrong, I am still passionately on fire with the love of Christ, but my eyes have been opened to a new realization that I didn't fully comprehend before.

The biggest shift came after I came back from a big Christian conference this past winter. We talked about the book of Revelation, and God's end time battle plan for the church. While I was at this conference, there were some powerful moments, but I was honestly kind of worn out and tired of hearing a message that I had been hearing for a while. It was interesting and powerful, but for some reason, it wasn't transforming. I came home from this conference, and my mom and aunt asked me what I had learned. Thinking that I was now knowledgeable and spiritually equipped, I went on to describe their teachings on the book of Revelation. They respectfully listened to what I had learned, but they disagreed on several main points. When we got back to the house, the whole family got involved in the discussion and we engaged in some really good conversations.

Basically, what it summed up to was that I was getting schooled by my family. My family had grown up reading and studying the book of Revelation. They knew their background information and their interpretations well. They didn't need one conference to tell them how to interpret it. Then here, I was having really read and studied the book of Revelation for basically the first time. I came into my home thinking I was smart and spiritually inclined, and I found myself being knocked to the ground. It was such a humbling experience. I had just gone to one of the most influential Christian conferences for young adults, and instead of feeling empowered, I was completely humbled. My family began to question everything that I was learning, and I felt like everything I had experienced in the last year was put to question. It was a really difficult time. I felt like my whole last year of radically pursuing God was up in the air, and I wasn't sure about anything anymore.

To make things even worse, that same night, I totally got humbled once again after talking to Sara on the phone. To put this a little bit in context, Sara and I had just started again after not talking for about 5 months. As we were talking on the phone, Sara mentioned that she had been thinking and praying a lot lately. She was telling me how it was getting really hard for her to continue waiting for me to decide what I wanted to in our friendship. I told her about how I was just pursuing God right now, and I wanted Him more than anything else. She responded by saying that she already knew that about me, and she always knew that. But she couldn't wait for me and that by the time I figured it out, it would probably be too late.

I was so devastated and humbled. I didn't know how to respond. Honestly, I was angry. I couldn't understand how pursuing God had gotten me into blatant conflict with my family and now with this girl that I really liked. This was New Years Eve. So I had a lot on my mind going into the New Year. But as I prayed about it and wrestled with it, God began to show me a lot of the wounds I had experienced growing up and how that was affecting my current relationship with God and with others. I realized that since a very young age I have always been bitter and upset at my brother. I was angry at him when he was born because he took the attention off of him. I realized that as a result of this I never really was able to connect with him and love him at a deeper level because I was always trying to distance myself from him. Ahh, so there again, I realized another wound in my life.

I realized how in my pursuit of perfection and recognition as a child, I had desired affection from others based on my performance and actions. As a result of these things, I had in turn tried to receive affection from God based on my merit and the things that I did for him. Like I said, I did every extreme thing one could do so that I could please God. And don't get me wrong, most of the time I did those things, my heart was in the right place. But I was looking at the overall picture of where my heart was at and I realized that at times I was deceiving myself.