Perspectives...

Wow...it's been two weeks since I last posted on my blog. I think I have been trying to find the opportune time to process through all my thoughts and submit a summary of the things I have been thinking through. That time definitely has not happened yet. Instead of things becoming clearer, more and more stuff has come on my plate. But it's the season for Thanksgiving so in the midst of all this craziness, I definitely want to take a second and recap the things I am thankful for.

With that in mind, I want to take a few moments to reflect on these two passages.

Philippians 4:6-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. the Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

James 1:2-4 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

First off, I find it pretty crazy that I have used the verse in Philippians so many times when praying for people. I pray for people to have the peace of God that surpasses all understanding to guard their hearts and minds. But what I have realized is that I have been leaving out the "thanksgiving" part when I quote the verse. This is pretty ironic because lately I feel like I tend to find myself in a perpetual pity party (ya nice alliteration i know:-D). I have often found myself complaining and finding fault in many things. As of late, one of the biggest frustrations I have had is our western conceptions of what the church is supposed to look like and do. I feel like so many times we have taken away from the original, organic nature of the church as it existed in the days of the New Testament. We have often placed traditions and societal expectations upon the church rather than allowing it to be led by the Holy Spirit. Now, I know not all of church is like this. But in recent weeks, I have had so much frustration with the conservative church I guess you can call it.

God has totally been convicting me of this. It's funny because in this crazy season of growth, I have experienced the moves of the Holy Spirit so much especially in being involved with the 24hr prayer movement and other things of this nature. I think that in result of this I became very dependent upon this "feeling" to feel good about myself. I often times didn't experience in my church or in the places I went to seek God and thus I got really frustrated. However, lately God has shown me that His Spirit is at work not only in the more charismatic movements; God is moving everywhere. A couple of Sundays ago, I begrudgingly went to church despite my desire to stay home and really just wait on God and spend some time with Him alone. However, as I sat in the pews my pastor gave a message about Thanksgiving. He talked about how when we give thanks instead of complaining, our mentality and our attitude will completely change and we will not be bitter or frustrated all the time. He said something to the affect of people complain not because there are problems, but that problems exist because people complain. Ya so at that point, there was instant conviction. I have realized that I have been so frustrated toward things, even church at times, to the point that I was causing problems for myself and for those around me.

Then, from that point on, God has been showing me the amazing ways he has been working in the very places I have been frustrated with. It's funny because recently it has been in these places that I have been frustrated with that I have felt the presence of God most strongly lately. I haven't wanted to go to church in a while because of the frustration that I have had, but it has been in that place I have seen the God working the most lately. I haven't been to Campus Crusade meetings on Thursdays lately because I have been busy doing things in the Asian American community and when I do have a chance I have been somewhat hesitant to go. However, in the last couple of weeks that I have been to the meetings, I have been moved so strongly moved by the Holy Spirit in ways that I haven't experienced in a while.

Then, this last weekend, I went to a conference called Crossroads with Crusade that helps with deciding about your future. It was really good. I have this problem of despising going to conferences only to be completely blown away at them. Then, when there is a conference I want to go to, there is so much complications in the way - more on this later though. Before I talk about Crossroads, I also wanted to mention another observation I have noticed about myself. I am really socially awkward. Let me qualify this statement and clarify it. Haha, so God has changed my life a lot. It's been almost a year since my life took a complete turn - ironically it began at a conference that I didn't want to go to. Before God changed me, I was really shy, quiet, and kept to myself. In fact, my personality is mainly introverted, but with the shift God has allowed me to be in a position where I am required to be a lot more outgoing. Ever since God changed my life, the little, introverted me has been empowered to speak with confidence at my church and lead different groups. It's a complete shift. I was just talking about this with my dad today - also more on this later, hopefully. (Sorry, I have a lot on my mind that I'm trying to process, bear with me). So ya, like I used to be really shy and quiet and now God is using me to speak to lots of people with power and authority. It's totally a God thing. Haha so in the midst of this I often find myself reverting to my old ways of wanting to be myself and anti-social. With my personality, I really need a lot of space on my own if I will be able to be around a lot of people for a while.

So anyway, back to my point of being socially awkward. As you know from my blogs, I can write a lot which translates to real life into talking a lot. I can talk a lot. But the only things I can ever talk about is God. I can talk about God and how awesome He is and the way society is going to be transformed all day. You can ask the people who drove with me to Crossroads. I talked a lot haha. But I am not very good at talking about anything else other than God. Given not everyone is good at small talk and getting to know people, but I am really bad at engaging in conversation and getting to know people. I mean I really have a heart for people, and I really do care about them. But in my flesh, I often find myself not caring about taking an initiative and not wanting to talk to people. It's totally the old me coming out. But on the flip side when you get me talking about God and how amazing He is; it's like a never ending story - as it should be. Maybe you can relate to this, I don't know. But, I think it is a funny dichotomy because it represents the work that God has done in me, and it shows my fleshly side versus the work of God in my life. It's such a blessing to know that God has transformed my life, and I am not the same. But it is also humbling to remember that without God I am nothing, and I have such a long way to go.

Since I have engaged this topic of change, I think I will talk about the ways things I have changed and the different perspectives I must keep in mind, and then in other posts I will talk about crossroads, decisions, and other things for the sake of length.

So I have been grappling with a lot of decisions the past couple of weeks, and I got to talk to my dad about some of them today. I was telling him about all these conferences I am thinking about going to and all the complications with all of them that make it hard to decide what to do. As I laid out my concerns, my dad listened and then began to give me some things to consider. He told me how proud he was of me for all the things I have been doing, and he reminded that in the midst of everything that I was doing I needed to stay focused on the reason I was doing the things I was doing. He told me how conferences were good things, but at the end of the day, I needed to remember the people who helped get me to the place that I am at now. He reminded me that it is so easy to get prideful and big-headed with the things that I have seen and been a part of. Yet, I must remember that everything that I have is from God. Furthermore, I must recognize those people God has used to help me get to the place I am at today. There have been so many friends and family members who have been praying for me and supporting me. However, I often overlook these people and look only to myself and to God. I have forgotten the vital role that other people have played in my life. All glory goes to God, but at the same time, we must never forget to be thankful for those around us who have also obeyed God's will in allowing us to be where we are at today.

I oftentimes forgotten this important perspective. I have gone to family get-togethers and to church, and many times I fail to recognize or acknowledge those who have supported me all these years. My dad pointed to the ways in which I have significantly changed from the person I was before. Like I said by personality, I am an introverted person who likes to keep mostly to myself. But God has completely changed me and used my weaknesses to be my strengths. Thus because of God's mercy and grace, I must continually remember to be thankful of what He has given me because I am nothing on my own. I am a weak, socially awkward, self-seeking, prideful sinner on my own. Yet God has redeemed the chief of sinners to be an ambassador of His kingdom. What an honor! What a humbling opportunity to represent the king of kings! God chose me, and he chooses you to do His awesome work. He doesn't need us, but he has allowed us to be a part of his master plan. What an exciting opportunity!

So in the midst of this all, I am thankful that I am not who I used to me. I am not the fearful child hiding behind the insecurities and self-imposed expectations of perfection. I am child of God who is fully known by the Father. I am an ambassador for Christ. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I thank God for who he made me to be. I thank God for those who have laid a foundation of prayer for me. I thank God for those who sacrificed so much for me to be in the place that I am in today. I thank God for my parents, my brother, and my family who put up with me. I thank God that in my weakness, He is strong. I thank God that I face so much uncertainty and confusion because he promises that all things will work out for the best. So in the face of confusion and uncertainty, I count it all joy. I choose to have an attitude of thanksgiving. I choose to have an eternal perspective that sees beyond these temporary afflictions. I choose to have a perspective that sees the blessings I have been bestowed with through the prayer and support of the family and friends who love me. I choose to have a perspective of thanksgiving because I found my identity. I am a child of God, and I am deeply loved. No one can ever steal that away from me. For all these things, I give thanks! God is good!

God, I thank you for who you are. I thank you that you love me with an everlasting love. I thank you that in spite of my weakness and insecurities you are glorified and are strong. Forgive me for losing sight of the cross. Forgive for overlooking those who have sacrificed their time and energy to be where I am at today. There is so much to be thankful for, and I often fail to see these things. Forgive me for my limited perspective and my lack of faith. God, I trust that you will provide. For you are Jehovah Jireh! Thank you for this season of thanksgiving. In times of hardships, in times of joy, I will give thanks, for you are good and you loving kindness is everlasting. Thank you Abba Father! I am not worthy. But by the blood of Jesus, You have redeemed us and given us worth! In Jesus name, Amen!