Freedom!

Wow! So this is it.... freedom! Finally, another semester of college has come to an end. It is crazy to think that I have just officially finished my my 2nd year of college just about half an hour ago. It really has went by super fast. I never expected to be here my sophomore year having experienced the crazy things that have gone by in just the past semester much less the last two years.

A year ago today at this time, I remember marveling at the crazy growth and development that I had gone through in my first year. This year trumps my first year by far. Yet it is crazy to think that everything that I have gone through in my first year of college and my entire life has prepared for the things that I went through this past semester. At this time last year, I had just finished my first year of college. I had changed my major from bioengineering and pre-med to religious studies - ya huge shift - in respond to the ministry that I felt God was leading me to. That was a pretty big deal; but this year wow! God has really affirmed me and confirmed a lot of things for me.

I never thought or imagined I would do some of the things that I was able to accomplish through the strength of God this semester. To start things off, I got really involved with Campus Crusade for Christ. Basically from the beginning of my sophomore year to now, I went from possibly not being on the leadership team, to starting and leading a small group in the honors college, to starting and leading Epic Movement at ASU. All this while doing 16 hours of school work which included 3 research based classes and learning a foreign language including being social director of the multicultural honor society, doing stuff with the Filipino club, being involved with church, and having a social life somewhere in between there (not to mention having to go through "girl issues" during the height of the madness - but that was a really good thing...but definitely another story for another time).

Anyway, I say all that not to ring my own bell, but to point out that with my lousy time management skills, I had way to many things to do and not enough time or maturity to deal with it all. Thinking back on it all, I have no idea how I survived all of that. I definitely know that I would not have been able to sustain all of that on my strength. There were times where I lacked all motivation, I wanted to quit, and was on the verge of burning out. But single most important thing that I learned this semester - and the only thing that saved me and helped me maintain my sanity - was learning that God really really really really loved me.

It was an issue of identity. We all face it everyday. We want to feel loved and we want to belong. We look for this kind of love and belonging in the wold, but the world can't give it to us. And this is what i finally realized. I finally came to an understanding God alone could satisfy the deepest needs and desires of my hearts, and that he truly loved me. Despite my shortcomings, my failures, my unbelief, God was still there for me, and He loved me. He knew the depths of my heart and yet He still loved me the same. I came to realization that even before time began and even before I was in my mother's womb (Jer. 1). God knew me, and He loved me. His thoughts towards me are for a hope and for a future (Jer. 29:11); and if I were to count all the thoughts that God had for me, they would be more than sand on the seashore (Ps. 139).

What I learned, is that not only, does God love me, but that is love is unconditional. We here this all the time....but I didn't know what that means until this past year. It means that we don't have to do anything to earn God's love. It doesn't matter if we were bad, and it doesn't even matter if we do a lot of good. God loves us regardless. He doesn't want us to try to earn His love. All the good things, we do are nice, and they are important, but God loves us nevertheless.

So, that's all nice and dandy right, but what does that all mean? Well, with the understanding of God's love, I finally realized that I didn't have to try so hard anymore. God wasn't as concerned with the good things that I did as was he concerned with my heart. I learned that in the grand scheme of things God isn't concerned about my ministry or the good things that I do. All he really cared about was the condition of my heart. See, I finally realized that doing good things and striving for success wasn't good enough. Having passion and excitement for the Lord wasn't good enough. Passion, excitement, desiring success - all good things, but they will all one day come to an end. Our own passion, strength, desires, they will all fade. The only thing that God desires from us is an intimacy with him.

It is through intimacy with God that we develop a real relationship with Him. God loves us, and he wants to lavish us in His love for us, but we have to be willing to accept. God wants to fill us up and give us the desires of our hearts, but we must first delight in Him. We must learn to literally enjoy God and desire to be in His presence. That alone can sustain. Because when we are filled with God's love, His love fills us up and overflows out of us so that we are able to love others. When we are filled with the love of God, we are no longer driven by our own passions, desires, and strengths, we are sustained by the never-ending love of God.

In Psalms 37:4, it says, "Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." So many times in our society, we read this and think to ourselves, "I will delight God or make him happy by doing the passions and desires of my heart." But this is not what the first says. It says first delight in God, and then he will give you the desires of your heart. It begins with intimacy with God - knowing the father's love for us. When we know the father's love for us, we come to understand our primary identity - that we are loved by God! When we know that our identity is in Christ than we can know the true desires that God has put on our hearts. This is when we see the passions that we thought we had be redirected for something greater than our own personal happiness or success. It is when we see our passions redirected from fishermen to fishers of men.

This is the revelation that God has given to me. I once had the desire to be a doctor and minister to physical needs of people; but God has offered me something great. He has offered me the chance to minister to spiritual brokenness and pain of our generation. We are a generation afflicted by pain, rejection, and loneliness that is hidden behind a facade of smiling faces and happiness. But inside, there is pain, there is brokenness, there emptiness.

But have hope - God is on the move. He sees your brokenness, your hurting, your pain, and He offers you His hope - a hope of an eternity with Him. A hope of an everlasting love that will satisfy the desires of your heart and cast out all your fears. God loves us so much that He gave His one and only son to die on the cross for us. And if you were the only one on the earth, Jesus still would have died for you. Love - that's what it comes down to. God wants us to know that we are loved. That is our identity - WE ARE LOVED BY THE KING OF THE UNIVERSE! The King of Kings who created the whole entire universe wants to know you personally. All you may have to offer is a life full of sin and shame, but God will take it. He wants your all, you everything - he will take your brokenness and make you whole - complete and lacking nothing. All it takes is accepting God's love and knowing God personally (you can click here if you want to learn more;)

I didn't mean to get all evangelistic and preachy, but I guess you can just never get enough of God's love :). Anyhoo, through this past semester I have learned that intimacy with God is the only thing that can sustain us. In the midst of our busy schedules, hectic lives, and stressful experiences, God wants to shower us in His love. When times got the hardest and I felt like I didn't have anytime to be with God, that's when I realized that I needed to take time and be with Him the most.

So anyway, I guess I'm excited about getting out of school and this whole blog thing - even though no one will probably read it, but that's okay - and I could probably go on forever. But I wont. I'm just excited for the things God has revealed to me in this past semester through Epic, through Crusade, through working with the 24hr prayer movement, learning about communication, and most importantly, learning about God's love. I am excited about the closing of another chapter of my life, and the opening of a new one. It's going to be a great summer of seeking and resting in God. I'm exited for what God has in store for me this summer. Japan, here I come! Fireseeds for revival are ready to be planted!